TIRED

Byk kerje,
Cuaca panas,
Hujan lebat,
Tak cukup tido,
Client mengada2,
Kereta kaler hitam, panas
Tak tint2 lagi, panas
Period tak datang2, paranoid,
Peaches asyik punggah makanan die, penat mengemas,
Tak dapat selesaikan sume kerje before bf dtg, tension.
Salah faham dgn bf, gadoh, nangis, kene marah dgn syah, make up balik dgn bf, suke.
Tertekan sebab ada masalah accommodation, syah rase bersalah.
Penat nak fikir pasal accommodation..
Tgh tgk2 kat mudah.com, just utk bf.
Tak cukup minum air kosong, kulit pun stress.
Tertekan nak tunggu bf dtg sini, lambat lagi
Wlaupun 3 bulan je, tapi macam 3 tahun.
Rindu bf.
Penat asyik makan McD breakfast je dgn die.
Penat asyik kene drive balik sorang2.
Tension pakcik pemotong rumput asyik kacau i tido.
Benci tgk bintik2 hitam kat atas bibir bf.
Tension bf asyik letak tangan gemok atas bahu i. dahla berat.
Tak cukup makan makanan berkhasiat.
Letih letih letih!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yabba Dabba

Here i am, sitting on my bed, typing away on this half-broken-but-still-working laptop of mine. The day feels gloomy. its nearly 12pm but the sun is nowhere to be seen. maybe even the mighty Lord noes and understand what im going tru and how i feel. How do i feel? Work has been really tough on me. When i first came to the MIEA training course, one of the lawyers had told me, 'Anyone can be a RE agent, but NOT everyone can be a RE agent' i was determined that this job is truely for me. and i do enjoy it. free working hours, meeting new clients at fancy restaurants and cafes. getting LOADS of money in return (touch wood). But i do realize one teeny weeny problem. its really mind challenging. and to be honest, with my bf being 50 million miles away, i have never felt so alone before in my entire life. i have lost a shoulder to cry on, an arm to hold on to, a hot body to tightly hug and cling onto,  soft lips to kiss, a.. err, nevermind.

The point is, i am feeling quite low these past few days. i have lost some motivation that ive built earlier in myself. I need my bf here so badly. :( i kind of miss him. but then again..i feel like missing him is just making things worse. so at the moment i have chose to go separate ways with him. im not sure if he understood what i meant the other day. sigh~ I cant imagine people having to cope with their bfs or gfs living so far away from them.like in the states of zuwembia (not too sure if thats a country)

Whatever it is. its hard. really. n i dont like it. i dont care if other people tell me that long distance is a normal n a doable thing. i just dont like it. im the type of person who needs to be hugged everyday. and to have dinner with everyday..and i like my hair to b played n twirled, (but not tucked behind my ear, ugh god no)..and i like the idea of having someone close to me whenever i need him. :( sob sob. today we were discussing on our current status. honestly, i have no idea. i wud love to be his friend still...but im not sure if i can treat him just as a friend. this morning when we had that talk, i asked him..'so macam mana kite sekarang?' then he replied, 'takpayah la persoalkan keadaan kite..kite same je mcm dulu, sampai skarang , sampai bile2..i nak kite bersama sampai bile2..' that was one of the nicest things he had said to me in a long time. there was a silence after that then i mentioned to him about of vacay next year to Bandung. and it seems that he's still interested. Hell yeah im going to Bandung! its the ultimate shopping heaven (to me at the moment, well thats wat everyone has been telling me, even Rohaizan)..sooo, 'do u still wanna go with me'? 'why not, i kan still bf u'...so i guess we are still a couple then? im quite confused. im not even sure if he's going to be at my birthday partay. oh god, that wud be awkward. who's going to dodoi me to sleep then? mmmmmm, i wan i wan..i miss and love him. im not sure i wanna be just friends with him.

Dah la i tgh dmm...its so frustrating to be upset about everything when u are physically and mentally tired. sigh~ Anyway, bib said that she wud be sad too if we'd ever break up again. seems that she really likes pali. i mean like who wudnt? he's so cute, n polite to almost everyone including all my friends, he doesnt dislike my ex bfs..he never forces me to watch stupid malay movies. he lets me pick our dinner spot.he doesnt pushes me away when i need him (only sumtimes when he's really busy at work) but still...he genuinely loves me for who i am. The only mistake he did was what i wud like to call past rite naw. everyone makes mistakes. he also did some mistakes in the past but i guess i can live with that..mmmm..im gonna wait for him to call. recently for the past few weeks, he has been calling me every nite to dodoi me to sleep..

mmmm, i have to figure this whole thing out!

Ive committed a sin.

I bought quite a lot today. shooooooooooes. which im not supposed to. and a bunch of bracelets and stuff. i feel so angry and annoyed with almost everyone recently. They're just getting on my nerves too much. MELUAT tau tak. MELUAT. Seriously. Ugghhh...!!!!!!! fiuh..okay. a little bit better. i almost bought a bag tonight T-T. U noe how dangerous it is for me to be in a bad mood? i cud spend 1k on my hair, just like that, without realizing. I did spend 1k on my sunglasses. OMG. I just feel like eveyone is not giving me the support i need. or maybe im expecting too much? noo. i dont think so. wat is the use of having parents and a bf if they dont support n understand me? there are times where i feel soo stupid that i just wanna break off with every single commitment i have and just work and enjoy life. n i dont have to listen to any crap anyone has to say to me. tension betul tau tak. thank god im not fasting today. because ive been swearing alot, mesti dah batal puasa. The thing is..long distance relationship is starting to get me. i just cant deal with it anymore. alone. i feel like im going tru it alone, n i HATE that. im such a stupid girl. someone shud slap me right naw. tension la sial. bodoh betullah. i give up la. serious shit. im choosing career as my top priority naw. despite the negative feedback my family is giving me.

wanna hear the truth? wat i truly feel?

I think i layan everyone else baik giller. sangat2 baik. and i dapat balasan mcm sebutir pasir tau tak. i usaha giller babi to make everything fine n ok. but, when i do it alone. i feel USED. so im not gonna let everyone else use me. when i dah stabil giller babi with my work, i can leave all of u behind coz im gonna be so inlove with my work none of u wud matter anymore. i simply dont care anymore. success is wat i want most out of life.

Its a dilemma, but a good one.

So remember when i said i wanted to do R.E in the future after i graduate.? it somehow backfired on me (not quite yet) because my family is giving me a hard time of not appreciating n supporting me on this matter. but thats okay. i will still pursue ur prawn business dad. n scientific sales for uncle hashim. and R.E for myself. and skin care product whatever for my step dad. what? u think thats a lot of job to do at one time?well u havent heard of my another job. which i am so happy i got it. :D he heheh he...well, actually i was just appointed today.=) im not gonna tell u guys yet. ur gonna have to read it in the next blog..hehehehe...today is just one of those days where i feel really lucky. if there is one thing that ive learnt today, its that putting all effort n too much effort in anything u do doesnt really help u sometimes. all u gotta do is lay back n relax. but be determined for the actions u take are those that count. i have come up with a new quote/ motto today.

Putting full effort in anything doesnt give u everything

Hehe, how do u like it? well, convocation is on tuesday. i am so psyched!! i cant wait to nod to my canselor n retrieve my scroll n honor n everything! bib's class at 4 will be cancelled. see, even her lecturer noes that i am too important for her,vice versa. ahhh...i truely feel lucky recently. i have alot of people around me who loves me n supports me (except for the R.E matter).

i am practically waiting for sara to come and pick me up. we are going to marriott putrajaya for dinner with my sis n her husband. i dunno if my mum is coming too. we'll c..anyway, i just came back from tioman n kuantan..dude, tioman was awesome. we basically went snorkeling almost every single day. the corals were soooooo beautiful, i seriously want a waterproof camera right naw. and i even had a swim with all sorts of fishes.fed them with bread sommore. ikan kerapu got. nemo got..we even saw a baby shark while we went to one of the islands for a quick swim at the waterfall.. the waterfall was seriously breath taking n awesome n magnificant all at the same time. the water was sooo cold n chilly n nice. it was a hot day too. seems like the weather there was totally on our side. in the days we werent snorkeling, it had rained cats n dogs, but on alternative days, it was sunny n everyone (including the boys at the cafe) were in a good mood and smiling all day long. owh n we also met TOMMY, who seem to be an environmentalist. he was doing projects for the turtles, life saving n stuff, n there was this one turtle who seem to be blind. her name was Jo. n she's a medium size green turtle. i dont noe if i or my mum took a picture of her.

welp, i gotta go naw. i hope marriott serves goose liver pate at their resturants. cause im in a mood for some fear-factor food. (btw, if goose liver pate was ever in the fear factor competition, i wud totally win, it taste awesome!)

Ive got a feeling

It has been quite a while since i had the time to write. or maybe just because ive been extremely happy recently that i dont need this blog to counter my depression. haha.. anyway, really, i am happy. im gonna share with u all what has been keeping my face glow all the time and how optimistic i have become. n how i embrace everything thats been thrown at me (either good or bad). My view n perspective on life has totally change, and for once, i will admit, that i do feel a notch mature.

Love.

I dont know about other people out there, but id like to share with u how it feels to have finally found the one. At the beginning of ur acquaintancy, have u ever thot of the person as just a friend, but somehow u keep on smiling whenever u think of him/her? u dont noe the person too well, but smehow rather u can sense that the person is special, but u dont no in terms of what yet. n when u do fall in love, u can never tell if the person is the right one for u or not. no one does. its God's will. but we as human can actually get hints from the Almighty..Have u ever felt like u are soo comfortable with that person, that u can tell him/her anything without even a second hesitating? like it comes so naturally u sometimes look at the person as ur bestfriend, rather than ur lover? have u ever felt that its not always bout the mushy wooshy things u do with him/her, its not always about sex. sometimes, u just enjoy the person's companionship, n spending an evening walking tru the midst of people in the busy heart of KL seems to torch a light in ur heart n trigger a smile on ur face. have u ever felt that everything is going to be okay because u have each other? that he/she will always be there for u wherever or whenever, n vice-versa? Have u ever felt that u dont depend fully on that person, only that u noe u will help each other tru no matter what. Most importantly, when uve found the right person, u will noe by heart, that he/she's the one. because u dont really care bout his or her flaws. u wudnt mind if he/she stinks a little, or laugh hysterically every single time. or doesnt share the same race with u. or watever. at the beginning of a relationship, EVERYONE wud care. but nobody's perfect. u will love that person head-to-toe if he/she's the one. n u will noe it. n its only u. no one else. i have byright found the one. 3 years ago. it took me 3 years to actually realise that i do love him with all my heart n that everything will be okay if we go tru it together.=) i love him more n more as each day passes by n i do look at him as my bestfriend n not only a lover. we come from a different background n lifestyle. but so far, so good. like i said, everything will be okay if u guys go tru it together. always. n before i move on to my next topic, i wud just like to add that, declaring ur relationship DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE. believe me. it does. u might see it as just a title or whatsoever, but ur perspective on the idea of being in a relationship, ur respect for ur partner, ur intensity of love is so much greater. aaah...just talking about love makes my day A-okay. its not as easy as it may seem, but its totallly worth it.

Career.

Since i was a little girl, my mum has always wanted me to become a doctor. so i had that 'dream' of becoming a doctor untill reality hit me.i was 16 years old then..i thought to myself, that NO WAY i wud study for soo long just be a doctor. i wud never get married! i knew that there were alot of other opportunities of work n the broadness of the area, but i was so young at that time n i didnt have a clue at all. n this dilemma i had did not stop when i was at the age of 18. no no..it stopped on the day i finished my college. aha, seriously. when i finished my studies in genetics over at UKM, that was about 4 months ago, n on the day i finished my last paper, which was i dont-noe-what. (haha) , i still didnt noe what i wanted out of this life. so i decided to elongate the time for me to make up my mind, so i applied for a short semester n took sommore boring subject to fullfill my free time. haha. seriously..then during my short semester, i had trouble sleeping. because, i cudnt think of wat i wanted to do after graduation. i had a pretty bad time handling my insomnia. then at one night, when i wasnt thinking of my career dilemma, i started to think of the movies that i have recently watched.  i was lying on my side, hugging my bantal busuk..n suddenly this vague image of a pretty, sexy girl from a movie came into my mind. GOSH, i love that movie. but i cudnt remember the title. she was wearing this red sexy dress n was leaning on her superbly beautiful sportscar infront of a mansion. she was there for a purpose. she was about to sell the mansion to this hunky to-die-for guy who was interested in buying the property. so she was there to show the guy around the house. n i think the house was 5 million dollars or so. when that line of images came into my head, i suddenly smiled to myself. i always had that thot that i cud sell houses like that lady. i enjoy meeting new people n showing them around pretty houses. n actually selling them.. the personality totally clicked with mine. n then that was the moment that changed my life forever. the next morning after i woke up, i straight-away open up my laptop n browse tru what was called, real-estate. and so naw my dilemma is over. after finishing my education period,worth 16 years, i have finally found my dream job, that has nothing to do with my degree. but thats okay. after going to the R.E courses n training, i have never adore the business of real estate more in my entire life. all my batch mates n principals say that they see the potential in me n that its good that i have this awareness when im still soo young n they are also pretty sure that i will succeed like the lady in my dreams. hehe. i cudnt help but telling them about the lady in red. i somehow have a very strong feeling that i am made for this business. my personality totally clicks with what is required. and also, i have found the perfect place to start working this august. n i cant wait to start working too!! how many people in this world can actually work, doing wat they LOVE to do, n not because they are forced to?? how many people in this world can actually live their dream jobs? i am so glad that i am one of them ;-) im so grateful that i am free from this dilemma.

There are alot of other things that i wud like to share with u guys, but since there are too many, maybe ill slip in 1 or 2 the next time.hehe. i have this new idea of helping everyone to be n feel more optimistic. we have to believe that things will get better, because sometimes, when we believe so, we tend to act more mature n handle our problems better. n somehow, all the efforts will finally start to fruit u noe? just keep on believing, it might come true. ;)

BTW, i am on the way on creating 2 more blogs, one is a joint-venture between me n my pali. n the other blog is where i am going to advertise all type of houses for sale/rent, and every details about it. if u guys have any enquiries, please feel free to acknowledge me yeah.

10 minutes with Farah's down-side

When i was younger, okla, actually eversince i was born..i wasnt just born like every other child in this world with a demure attitude and an impressive patient meter. Instead, i was born with the combination of my mom and my dad's unbelievable tantrum. well naw that they are older, they seem to have shifted their ways of releasing anger into something more..boring. my mum wud usually just sit infront of her computer typing away on whatever that she's doing. n my dad? FISHING. n not just fishing like all other people; under the bridge or likewise. he wud actually go out to the sea n just. . . .FISH. i can say that i noe my parents really well..when somethings not right, they wud express it in the (weirdest way?) safest way i cud call it because i noe they dont want me to notice or something. but u noe like how a mother can detect whenever her child's in trouble? its actually vice versa. i DO noe whenever my mum is upset or my dad is stressed at work.. and seeing how they handle their feelings n emotions, i start to ponder on the possibility that i am not their biological child. (so not true, my mum once almost tore away some poor makcik cuci tandas' face because she wudnt let my mum use the toilet, and my dad once scraped some bastards' car because the owner parked it right behind of my dad's big ass volvo) so, cut to the chase. .

When i was younger, i had really bad , n i mean really bad temper. my emotions were so unstable, just by some unlucky day for anyone, i cud be mad at even the simplest things. and when i had bfs in the past, uuuuhhhhh *merengus kesimpatian* MIND MY BAD MALAY LANGUAGE. i felt bad for them..i mean, i always shouted at my ex bfs. haha..to think about it macam kesian giller dowh..i was like one hell of a raging bull that cud kill anyone at any moment. n usually when im mad, i wud always punch my fist into anything that i cud reach for.. n usually i wud break something. there were times i had to pull out pieces of mirror that got stucked between my knuckles (good lord xde parut). it was that bad. i guess so much happened during my entire childhood n when i grew up, i didnt really cope with everything that happened in the pass or even present. so pendek kate, i was in a denial state n yang menjadi mangsa mmg bf i lah. n errr lemme think wat else i did..OWH..i cried alot..im such a cry baby, up to this day..well naw not so anymore la..but when i was younger, i used to cry alot whenever i felt stressful n mad. n i still remember till naw that i wud cry n brush my teeth so hard that my gum wud bleed. it was how i released all my anger. n i wud cry, n mumble till i fell asleep. phew. n my bf wud call n call n finally give up. good lord i salute u guys!!

N naw, after some long years, i have finally started to control my temper bits by bits..i have the smallest patient meter anyone cud ever have. (thats why i always remind everyone to not mess with me) because when someone upsets me, i get so grumpy n that may lead to something horrible n terrifying. seriously, u DO NOT WANT TO SEE ME GET MAD. who knew that a 5'2" little girl cud have such great energy n a freaking loud voice that wud sometimes make me look like i have been possessed by a satan.  haha..u can either ask my ex bfs, or my mum, or my sis or my brother. they all know how i am like when im mad. So, at the age of 21, i can sense that i have improved myself in controlling my anger. usually ill get mad when someone i love upsets me. it cud be my bf, my family members or my friends. orang lain kalau bwat hal slalunye i x brape nak kesah. but when people who love me do things that break my heart (i am byright the most sensitive person in the world) i wud be so devastated, that finally jealousy/sadness/upset-ness wud turn into ANGER. i wud usually cry of anger n not because of sadness. seriously. have u ever heard of the song 'hit 'em up' by TUPAC? yeah, u noe how he raps like a mad cow at the end of the song?

"Naw ur about to feel the wrath of the menace, nigga, hit 'em up"

That is exactly how i feel when im mad. i totally feel him. R.I.P Tupac Shakur. well anyway, instead of knocking n punching things. i have finally found an alternative way to release my anger. wanna noe what? ill tell u at the end of the story. its more dangerous from what ive ever done before, but i cant help it, n it seems that, that is the only way i can be OK after being mood-ruined. besides that, i usually listen to songs n sing along. that helps alot. n today, i drank 2 bottles of coughing syrup. man it tastes so good.

Did i just say today?

Have u ever cried , not cry like waaaaa(!!)...no, not like that..its like, u wanna cry out loud but the upside-down feeling inside u, is just like making u confused n ur brain misintreprets n stops ur eyes from pouring out. n u can feel ur face getting hot n u notice at one point that ur actually sweating...and uh..u place both ur hands on the sides of ur forehead n just pressing hard as if u want to just shove everything out of ur head. n spontaneously ur mouth utter or morelike mumble words. not really words, but the sounds of fighting agony..well, that was after downing those 2 bottles of coughing syrup. n not to mention chain-smoking.

N u noe what is the most unexpected thing i wud think of? is to drive down to eim's house n just sit in my car at his parking lot n just stare at his apartment's window. i dont noe why, but i have been thinking alot about him lately. maybe i miss him. well i do miss him. hmmm...not all those fights, no...just i needed someone to make me feel ok.. well, crap. that didnt happen. i dont think he wud wanna see me. EVER again.

so instead, i risk my life by not wearing any seatbelts. i ram up behind any fast vehicle infront of me. (n being raced with after). i dont stop at any redlights ('cept for any junctions with cars, im not that stupid thank u very much). i blast off the radio..i dont hit the brakes if i think its not necessary. i never brake at any corner i come to. i raced with a white TRD today. the driver got mad (since i ram up his butt), i got a little thrilled n laughed at him. i overtook him and he passed me by at some traffic light where i was turning right. he was suprised to see that after-all, it was a cute raging bitch behind the wheels of his competitor. so he wasnt mad but smiled back instead.

so i guess naw uve got ur answer. n yes. i release my anger by driving at the speed of 200km/hr. n also initiating other people's rage by ramming up right behind their butts n have a thrill or so by racing with them.

im a fast driver, im a safe driver.n yes, im a raging bitch.

Farah Suhaila's soft side (romance part 1)

I want to be loved unconditionally. always.

I want that person to always say that he loves me. that i am the only one he always thinks of.

I want that person to always be by my side (not necessarily being present, just support me) whenever i feel insecure n whenever im at my lowest ground.

I want that person to always touch my hair, n tuck strands of it behind my ear n whispers how lucky he is to have me.

I want that person to see me as not only a lover, but a good friend who he can always come to and share his problems.

I want that person to not feel intimidated by me but instead see me as a spirit arouser.

I want that person to know that its okay to look at other hot women out there (since i check out hot guys all the time too), but immediately says that i am byright prettier than anyone in this world.

I want that person to know that he can always talk to me eventho im mad. infact, i want him to talk to me when im mad. its not like i cant tolerate on anything. the faster he talks to me, the shorter the period the fight will be, the faster both of us wud heal.

I want that person to always hug me as if he doesnt want me to go anywhere far from him. even 1m.

I want that person to play me romantic songs on his guitar n let me sing (since i have a great christina-aguilera voice)

I want that person to acknowledge me as someone really important in his life to his friends n family.

I want that person to always have my back when im being bullied by other stupid girls.

I want that person to be fair to me. NO EGO at all (coz i have no ego left in me when it comes to him)

I want that person to call me n say he's sorry for being sucha stupid asshole but is still lucky to have me coz he knows that ill forgive him for his stupidity anyway ( which is true).

I want that person to know that being in love with me is not a GAME. its never about who wins n who losses. its just about how much he cares for me to admit his mistakes n same goes to me.

I want that person to forgive me for being sucha bitch sometimes. but only because i love him so much (he doesnt noe that)

I want that person to know that im trying my best to NOT be mad, NOT being clingy, NOT being a cry baby all the time, NOT being so dependant on him (so not true) just so he can have his so called RELAXED life. but life is hard. u must know this.

I want that person to know that ive been waiting for a long time for him to propose but he never does. =(

I want that person to stop being so egoistic n just love me for who i am.

I want that person to LOVE me, without restraining himself from whatever.

I want that person to know that i believe in him (to make me happy). all my friends believe in him. even my mom who kind of dissapproves him also believes in him . the only person who doesnt believe in him...is himself.

I want that person to know that life right naw may seem like this. but we always got to believe that it will get better. as long as we are together n we put effort together.

I want that person to know that any problem in this world ade jalan penyelesaian nye. there is nothing that cant be fixed (except for my scar).

I want that person to know that my hantaran will stil be RM 22,222.22. Its not about the money. Its about an event that girls get to feel once in a life time.

I want that person to know that i dont want anyone else anymore. No one could make me happier than u n ur lame jokes, no one could make me cry like u do, no one can make me do crazy stupid wild things, like u do. no one cud gain my respect, like u do.

I want that person to know that i am indeed a jealous person. n i surely hate anyone who have taken ur virtue together with them -_-

I want that person to noe that hidung i sumbat skarang ni, n my batuk is getting worse, n no one wud ask me 'dah makan ubat ke belum' except u.

I want that person to know that im planning to quit smoking soon. because i want my children to turn out normal n not retarded like their mom. (xgelak, serius ni).

I want that person to really appreciate me n see me as an important person in his life n actually show it.

I want that person to never ignore me because of some stupid football match or watever mamak. what if i die tonight? we never know.

I want that person to know that i have a disease. n a critical one.

Maybe ill still see sunlight tomorrow.

Maybe ill still hear ur voice tomorrow.

Maybe ill never get a chance to see u or touch u for the last time.

Maybe god will take away my soul tonight. or maybe urs.

Im tired of living so stressfully n unhappy. we dont have that much time. actually we dont have any time at all to be stressful. i just want to be happy, enjoy life n enjoy loving someone n to be loved my someone.

n most importantly, GROW OLD with someone who i love alot. but thats not gonna happen if EGO is in the way, n mature thinking shud lead us in the right direction.

Lastly, i sure as hell want that person to know that i love him, i have always loved him, it has always been him all along. 3 years back, or 2 years back, or 1 week ago. it has always been u. n its a BIG LOSS if u let me go now, its a loss if u dont appreciate me now, its a loss if u keep on thinking and thinking of whatever it is that u r thinking without expressing them or putting ur thoughts into action.

because darling. it is true that when i love someone or something, i will love them with all my heart. unconditionally.

but. my heart is not as strong as it may seem. n i wont probably be here forever. take the risk, live a happy life? or regret forever.

Jealousy comes with a price

So i noticed one thing. well actually a lot of things. one of them is that i notice girls hate me. if i didnt noe the person, she will be staring at me like i killed her cat or something. and if i DO noe the person, she will avoid me so that ill be left out on whatever matter it is that i am supposed to know. even about college assignments..yeap, thats true..i think on earth...they have a term for that..its called 'JEALOUSY'. or to be more demure, i'd like to call it ENVY. i get it. alot of girls are jealous of me. what other reason wud they hate me? ive got to be honest, ive never really thot of this before. i wud always think that maybe my make-up was bad, n maybe my hair is untidy..or maybe i forgot to take off the pricetag from my 200 worth of headband. or maybe just becoz im ugly? (which is a total lie, lalala). BUT, after talking to my good good GFs (which wud never backstab me ofcourse) about it, we, well actually they concluded that most girls are jealous of what i have n what i am...since im sooo pweetttyy..lalala~ haha.. and HELL NO its because im mean. becoz i aint mean. most of the girls who dislike me dont even noe me that well..so dont be judgemental okay. and i finally agreed to whatever my gfs said. I abruptly rewind all the situations n events that had happened before and they are seriously right .huhu. This girl stared in disgust at me today, just because her bf was looking at me all the way. (yes, i noticed). owh and how about that time at the cashier, when the salesgirl suddenly became so moody when i came up in line. she was all so nice to the other customers.?? AND, when i asked whether they had a new handbag in particular at armani last year, that acne-smothered face son of a gun said that the handbag was the last piece they had. and Ace ( my nice GUYfriend over at armanis) said the next day that they atually had 2 more at the back..and that the acne bitch was a trainee.. i kinda doo noe why..to think about it. ive never been mean to any of these girls, but why do they treat me so peculiarly? hmmm...OWH, yang paling penting sekali. FACEBOOK...u see, some girls, muka tembok..nak add i , nak berkawan dgn i..but when they find out, that they can never be me, n they feel soooooo intimidated by me, guess what??? they delete me from their friendlist. rmai dah i perhatikan bwat mcm tu..well,  i have 3 words for u. ADA AKU KESAH? *laughing as bitchily as i can* u see, i never care what other people think of me..u nak jealous, jealous la..nak delete me from FB ke FS ke...silakan..i x rugi ape2..but YOU, mmg membuktikan kat i something. that ur a coward-low self-esteem beyatch n cant see other people who are better than u.. sepatutnye, if we are friends with people that we think are superior toward us, we should be glad we have found friends like that and take them as a role model or whatsoever. ini x, kalau asyik nak berhasad dengki n menutup dunia sendiri supaya lebih kecil, n xde ape2..then rugi lah..

Well, i dont give shit. i dont give shit bout what people think of me.. my FAMILY loves me. my FRIENDS love me. FOR WHO I AM.. So what made u think dgn mendelete i dr facebook u, i akan rase terhina, serba salah..sedih n lain2? haha...dream on la girls. that will never happen. i am very independant, i dont even need a guy to live, apetah lagi la perempuan2 mcm korang yang tau pokpek gossip pasal kejahilan orang lain instead of ur own sins. Ingat la, slagi korang sume x mintak maaf sebab mngumpat benda bukan2 pasal i, judge benda buruk pasal i..anggap i macan2 la...korang memang xkn dapat keampunan dari tuhan..ingat u bleh gossip pasal i and masuk heaven? dream on on that too la. Menyebarkan berita burok yg salah mengenai seseorng adalah lebih teruk dari mencuri tau..ha, ingat i jahil sgt ke agama.

Yang nak berkawan dgn i tu, ur most welcomed, i like being friends with people who think out of the box, who has self-confidence n noe what they want in life. n knowledgable too..because these people bring benefit to me n vice-versa..tapi, klau yang tau bergossip je, jealous x bertempat, keyakinan diri 0%, tau mengenang nasib yang x kemana, NO THANKS, dont even think of adding me as a friend. because these type of people la yang akan backstab i in the end. n im sure to everyone else too.

Remember, if my parents never say anything bad bout me n bout whatever that ive done in my life, n they terima me as a WHOLE, dont even think u akan dapat that chance to ruin it by saying things that are TRUE, but only to YOU. everyone ade pendapat masing2.. if i dont cross over into ur territory, i expect u to stay far SHIT away from mine. got it?

UNWANTED

i am literally crying right naw. it just hurts too much..i am totally unwanted. inappreciatively ignored. i rase sedih. i just sometimes breakdown n cry, n i havent cried in quite awhile. nobody gets me.nobody understands me. i try so hard not to cry, because i dont want other people to think of me as someone who cant live without attention, love n moral support all the time. but the fact is, i do. i am just like every other human being in this world. i pun nak someone to be there for me when i really need someone to talk to, or to share my problems with.. if i nanges sket je..nanti orng ingat im not tough enuf to face this world or something. if i nanges sket je, people akan ingat i ni melebih2 or watever.all they think is i nanges for something completely remeh n stupid. but life is soo unfair. everyone deserves to be happy. sume orng tak tau what im going tru n stuff. i depend totally on NOTHING. its something i shud be proud of, but i have feelings too u noe..sometimes i tgk orng lain..they have family members to talk to. bf/gfs to talk to all the time. n friends who wud be there regardless of anything else. regardless of anything else. i just feel sad..sometimes, people will ignore me when im soo sad n down for something really stupid..they wud rather do something else just to let me down even more..i might sound okay..but i try really hard to avoid making everyone so worried about me. its just sad u noe. i just cant take it anymore. i hate crying. it makes me feel weak..but what can i do, its only normal to feel this way.. i rase macam i have nobody. nobody at all.. all those promises. just simpan baik2 je la k.. jangan la bwat janji yang u x boleh tepati. gave me alot of hope but not really into it..i just want to end this. maybe i should go to australia/UK after all..xde sape pun yang hargai i kat sini.  i hate crying ;-((

Take a deep breath Farah. . . . . . . . (!!!)

okay......(breathing out) fiuuuuh........ i was gonna write about how superbly emotionally messed-up guys are. how stupid they are, how angry i am with them right naw, n how stupid of me to even worship them (sumtimes). i am stupid. i always let my emotions take over...but this is the fucking last time i will ever be swallowed into their masacre (OMG I HATE IT). And i will never ever depend on them (despite that i miss being called at night before going to bed) and i will never ask them how they are doing at the moment. n watever else...i am soo damn pissed off right naw...i cud kill a cow.. i cud be driving my brothers car right naw which is fucking fast btw..and i cud just bloody run over a cow right naw. why are guys so egoistic, n stupid. n stupid. i typed it twice. im not saying they are stupid as in academically (so freaking true) , but they are born to be so shallow n low in their emotional thinking. i am starting to think n ponder on the fact that god created men to be with women (snort) seriously, are we even meant to be together? ( if u realise, i said in the beginning of my blog, that i am NOT suppose to write about superbly emotionally messed-up guys, but i am anyway). GGrrrrrr.....i just dont get it why guys cant be as simple as they CLAIM they are. fuck my ass. Guys are even more messed up than girls. all u do is say OKAY OKAY. but actually u wanna say more, but u dont wanna hurt the girl's feelings? Yo stupid, dont u even noe, she's already hurt anyway? whatever else u say is not gonna change or make a difference. STUPID. omgawd. enuf with guys. i dont need a freaking BF. I am sooooo damn bloody fine on my own i dont need anyone to call me at night anymore. (so not true) . n i dont need anyone to take care of me. i am not a baby anymore. n i am certainly NOT UR BABY. so u can F off. ok, breathe in............haaaaah.....okay, i feel so much better.

but its true tho..i am so independent..all i want is attention from a guy who i like n who loves me. but if i aint getting it, im not gonna die darling. infact...there are sooooo many guys out there who wish to take me out on a date. theyre just a phone call away..i can have 200 replacement with a snap of my finger. uhuuhh *Boastful smile with slutty voice*. whatever. seriously.

Sooo...*giddy smile* wat i actually wanted to write was about...hahahah...omg, GUYS. but the story here is about all wonderful n intelligent guys (who are a bit stupid also but its ok) who worship me instead when i was a bit younger. =D .. to be exact, it was the time when i was in matrix..n those times....omg...i wudnt change it for anyything...seriously it was one of the best moments ive ever encountered within this 22 years of life..n i must say, that matrix was full of drama, n love n lust..n everthing was so perfect. (except for my dad's suprise.i bet u noe about it). so, i remember having this fling with one of the jocks in the soccer team. His name was..TUUUT. (lol) and he wasnt handsome..but he had this really really pleasing personality and everything about him was palatable.. n i liked him. so we usually had lunch together, n i remember how crazily chaotic it was when everyone on the team found out. because i was sucha HOTTIE when i was in matrix (like dude, i was wearing tudung at that time n i was still a hottie) n they all called me FaraHot. hahahah..seriously im not being boastful, its just the truth. n the truth hurts, for u..n not for me. so too bad loser. *uhuh uhuh* =P okay okay...so every guy on the team wud come up n make fun of him, because he wasnt that too much of a hottie  n they cudnt figure out why i was hanging out with him..so finally, we broke off..seperate ways..me with my jogging buddies  n, him with his bunch of ballsacs.


After that, i met this guy..his name was TUUUUT..haha im sorry i cant say. he was a HOTTIE. he was a winner. he had everything that a gurl wud want in a guy..he has the looks, the brain..n everything..but it was sucha shame that he had a gf..a 2-year relationship or smething..but it was really fun with him...because one of my lecturers actually wanted to hook us up (like seriously)..n she was all the time so fucking stoked about getting to put us in the same group or same area. we shared alot of college activities..it was such good times. i missed my matriculation..because sooooo much happened in that 1 year..n all of it was good memories..with drama, i mean like real drama, not drama drama..where i got the leading role as princess beauty..*omg, such shocking news, who wudve guessed?* hahahha..seriously, i always get the role of a pretty princess or something that equals to that. if not princess, a spoilt princess..haha....its just me u noe..i guess i am really spoilt..not that i ever deny it..i do realise it..lol..watever..n wat else...i miss the food..omg, the foood at college, was freaking bloody awesome..most people hate their college food..but mine? na-ah...it was superbly delicious all the time n they had the yummiest tea-break selections. i really miss the food there..i havent found yet any malay stalls that cud ever compete with the food at my college.

The reason why im opening the story on matrix is because, i read my older blog...n omg, i kept on smiling every 2 seconds..i just miss the time i had in matrix SOOOOO muchhh! i miss my friends, my bfs..my guy friends, n more bfs...n scandals..n everything..it awesome. it was a year of rebeliion..but at the same time, i got to learn about myself n exploring my true potential..dude, i was a national public speaker man..uh huh...*slutty voice again* hahaha..u can never be in a fight with me, cause i wud kick ur ass  i always have something to say..maybe because we were trained to always speak spontaneously about almost anything..there was this one time, my lecturer asked me to talk about rambutans...n i kept on talking for 5-7 minutes..just on rambutans..hehehe..i love public speaking..because i have that confidence that i never knew i had in me, n public speaking just made me realise that i do have that potential..*sob*..i miss it..so much...but im so old naw..i cant be in a public speaking comp anymore..thats so highschool..wat i want naw..is to join one of those youth activist clubs. oh ho, seriously..it cud bring me alot of benefits. A hot guy's phone number for example. haha. goodnight nocturnals! u noe u love me.

priority

so, im finally done with college. just a little bit more and ill finally be graduating in August. i have a car. i love my car. i have tremendously amazing friends, i have a fat cute n spoilt cat. a fat cute n spoilt rabbit too.. and im hopefully going to get my dream job.. (OMG i am so psyched!!) n if possible, im going to rent a house in shah alam. n u noe what? for the first time in my life, im not afraid of pursuing all this ON MY OWN..instead, i feel excited, i feel like im entering into the world of adulthood. i feel that nobody can ever take this away from me..and for once..ive never thot of having a BF or whatsoever. i mean, before, i was still studying n love was always a part of it..but i noe myself very well..i am one independent woman..n just the thot of working n all...it makes me soo happy that i just dont find love as one of my top priority anymore..like i can totally skip all the love drama right naw n just concentrate on my future job..(!!) omgawd..i am so thrilled...eventho i noe that my mum does not approve my choice of profession..but muuuum, i love the real estate industry world! its totally me..cant u see =)) i like interacting with people..i love working with lots of challenge being put at my face n most importantly, i love jobs that offer u lots of money depending on ur effort n skill. because babeyh..im totally gonna work my butt off..for something that i totally like! omg im soo happy i pray to god i get the job...errr...-_-

Soooo.....enuf with my future career..i wonder what my friends are doing naw? i noe that some of them got into UMBI n stuff...haish..sometimes i just wonder if what im doing right naw is the best for me..but im gonna follow my hunch n it says that real estate is where i belong..owh god..im smiling away n im hoping that everything works out perfect. =))

ok..enuf for naw..im sending in my resume soon..this year is going to be brilliant for me..because last year it was a blast..we have to believe it just keeps on getting better u noe. ? aite..love u guys wherever u are. muacks

xoxo

Confessions

1) I am about to commit a sin. or rather im planning to

2) I think ive always let my emotional state control everything

3) I dont believe in true love. I only believe in short term happiness.

4) I am not sure of how i truely feel right naw. i dont noe whats real n whats unreal anymore.

5) I am partly broken. n it seems, all these years, ive only manage to seal the wound n not heal it.

6) I swear that i will never let anyone break my heart ever again.

7) The consequence from that is i cant seem to let myself love anyone 100% anymore.

8) I have trouble seeing other people success.

9) Only to make me put more effort to work harder.

10) I am very bad at Bahasa Melayu.

11) I want my children to be superb in English.

12) I actually hate Malays. eventho i am 75% Malay. That doesnt mean i like Chinese.

13) I cant stand Malay thinkings n whatever topics they have to converse with others.

14) I was brought up by my family in the open-minded way. So, no one can ever blame me for this.

15) If i had to choose, i would marry an Indian rather than a chinese.

16) anti-poligami

17) Harap kau puas hati.

18) I am not afraid to admit my flaws.

19) I hate people who like to bring up racism issues. as so religious issues.

20) I used to unsure of what i wanted in life. This year, im totally sure. and it does not involve men.

21) I am the cause for some other people's pain n misery.

22) I only say sorry when ive done something wrong. If ive said it to u, just because i was being forced to or whatever, then im sorry to say, uve been punked.

23) I believe that i can never be too nice to people. This world is just a game. The sooner u give in, the sooner ull get out.

24) I have no idea why its hard for me to be friends with girls. Girls are freakin backstabbers.

25) Its also hard to be friends with guys. By the end of the month, he'll say "i love u". so there goes the friendship right into the drain.

26) I hate n love my ex Bf at the same time. naw thats twisted.

27) I wanna move on but i dont know how?

28) Everytime i think of what he has done, i feel hatred n it keeps on boiling up inside.

29) Scorpios are revengeful. but i have passed that stage. i think.

30) It took me 2 hours to write down my 30th confession. i was thinking hard, n yes..i do love him =)

Fit over Finnegans.

i was soo upset. n i actually threw a fit over at finnegans a couple of days ago because i couldnt stand how DUMB guys can sometimes be. seriously. i was shouting n there were tears in my eyes. running down my hot bursting-into-flames cheeks. Syah was saying about how i should understand Mr. u noe who. n how i should give n take n dont expect too much. dont be too pushy. hello? i was once the victim. shouldnt i atleast have some triumph in some situations?in all situations actually. i did nothing wrong. all i want is a little reassurance that i am truely loved by Mr u noe who. i am a GIRL. we are very emotional human beings. n guys are very stupid n lack of interpretability skills especially when it comes to understanding us, WOMEN. i just felt so angry because i am not in the position to understand people n whatsoever. people shud totally understand me instead. Everyone around me should noe damn well that they cant just live an easy life tru me. na-ah. no freaking way. not everything should be done ur way. i could feel that the people sitting behind me was already shifting, n fidgeting n staring at the back of my head, as if wanting to noe if all that shouting came from me. =D Syah calmed me down n whiped away all my tears that were rolling down hard.I just wished that Mr. U noe who wud understand me better. maybe he's not even interested. that would be a bummer.i mean if u dont noe how to pujuk someone, u can always ask. well i dont mind. because afterall i will be the one smiling at the end. but i guess sometimes its EGO. like omg, EGO can kill me. EGO in a man can totally 200% kill me.twice. Like with Z before, omg...he has the tallest ego a man could ever afford to have. n look what happened to us? i hate it.. i hate this game. i just want something natural n free..n no hustle n stuff.
well, anyway, we made up..because i decided to let go of this one..but next time....ha, jangan harap.. =) i love u too.

Another Manic Friday.

Some might be sleeping. Some might be playing their X-box 360. Some might be having sex at this very moment. Some might be throwing flour n eggs at their loved ones. Some might be studying (shud be me but im not). Some might be watching discovery channel and sipping on tuborg. And some. . .might be stressed out by some psychotic asshole which called to mess up their mind. That is me. well, im not the psychotic asshole. im the victim. Never in my life, have i encountered such a psycopath which doesnt get what im tryna say. Never in my life either had i encountered such a BIG headed , world-best manipulator. And never in my entire life have i encountered such a mind-messer which i had fallen for in the beginning. And yes, Mr Z called me last nite and caused sooo much pain n sickness in me, i swear i cud feel my heart beating soo fast it almost went out of its conformation. I feeeeel sooo mad at him i almost regret even knowing him. but i dont. he's a nice guy n deserves someone like him. "ill wait until u finish ur exam, n by then, i wud like to hear an answer from u like you've promised". And so, i have less than 10 days to make up my mind whether i shud work out our relationship or just move on seperately. i know the answer SHUD BE that i just walk off. like Christina Aguilera did tru her song , 'walk away'. . i sing that song everysingle day n i totally get it. I mean, farah, dont torture urself. eventho ill be the bitchiest bitch n feel soo guilty for the rest of my life. if uve read my recent blogs, i was explaining on how im the type who cant say NO. im toooo kind to see other people sedih or watever. But this time is diff...i feel like i cannot take it anymore. even if we get back together..it will NEVER b the same.. he has to face the fact, i have to face the fact, that this thing will always come between us in the future. And soo...i guess i dont need another 10 days..i can make that desicion right naw.. I dont think ill be easily swept away after this by any guy..because what Z has done for me..i think nobody can ever do it better than him.. such a shame both of us are crazy big headed people who cant loose in any situation =P... seriously..ARIES VS. SCORPIO = madness+destruction+WAR. i just feel n think that we arent actually compatible enuf to not kill each other. hehe..omgawd Z...ill miss u sooo much u have no idea..i love u..but it has to stop right here, right naw.. im not the tunduk-tunduk material kind of girl. im bossy in my own way..we just arent meant for each other ya noe? if only u wud understand what im tryna say..sigh~..i have a test in less than 4 hours n im typing away writing this blog. how can i think anymore when he has messed up my mind. thanks a bunch Z, woo woo! i appreciate ur last effort in making me insane. good job. To those who have psycopath partners, my advice is, if u can accept them n dont turn crazy by the 50th time u guys have a major fight, then i suggest u keep loving them n cherish them..dont ever let them go because if u can go tru that..it must be REAL TRUE LOVE that is anchoring ur bond together. =) i wish my time will come soon. hey im still young. 21 is like zero in a way. hehe. Maybe ill print this blog out n leave it on his door steps. it cud be the last love letter ill ever write to you Z. =( I love u and i miss u..i wish u all the best in life..u are sooo kind to me n ive never had the slightest intention to make u even think that i was fooling around all this while. When u find someone new, u will realise that i was just  a harbor that u stopped by to gain experience n share a little joy n pain. ur true destination will come soon ur way. Just keep believing in urself like u always do. I might not be there for u anymore. but im still here. alive. n my iphone is never out of my sight. Drop ur ego sometimes n gimme a call aite psycopath ? =)

your tomel, your pembuli, your merajok machine, your gadoh buddy, your moral supporter, your everything. . .
FSZ.

wow, i never knew i was that mad

okay, so this past few weeks, i have been extremely emotionally unbalanced n i feel like i kept sooooo much anger in me. towards everyone including GAWD. i mean GOD. Just read my recent blogs n ull noe what im talking about..i shud, shall, maybe. . . . apologize? maybe when im ready. owh wait a minute..i mean, NO, im waiting for people to apologize to me instead. whatever, i dont really care much bout those issues. what captured me today was that i had a date with Zaim. well not a date date..just i met him to settle things..n i feel like we didnt settle anything. -_- he kept talking n talking bout all the stuff that has been happening to him eversince we broke up. or...rather he left me..i mean dumped me.. 5 times. so yes, to those who have been wondering whether royal highness farah suhaila has ever been dumped before or not, the answer is yes. n 5 times. huhuhu..im actually laughing while im typing this..because never in my whole entire life, some guy dumps me for 5 times in a row..omgawd, how IMPOSSIBLE. i mean like, never ever.. just i messed up. seriously..n im not joking, so stop laughing..i feel bad. i noe i screwed our relationship. n im not proud of it..just, the thing is, we were never officially GF/BF. Just when i saw him today..all those annoying feelings just came back. gripping on me like an aching gum. i just feel that he should be mature in the future, if we dont ever get back together. sometimes..wait, i mean i ALWAYS feel extremely annoyed by his attitude. seriously...i noe i can never change him. he is mohd zaim anyway...i have no right to change a person unless the person is willing to change. but on the other hand, i felt like i could hear voices screaming from deep down in my heart. this void in me..is crying that i miss him. sometimes. i feel soo lonely since he went away. i think about him alot..i noe he will never forgive me. but what i can do is truely apologize n hope ill never make the same mistake. because obviously i cant turn back time n undo whatever that i have done. ALL my friends say that im not the one to be blamed. i did have difficulties loving him the way i love my ex bf. but i guess i was wrong for not letting him go earlier. he wouldnt have to feel such great pain like he's feeling rite naw. My ex penah cakap yang die hanyut or something. when i think about it, i feel that way rite naw. even at this very moment while im typing away on my Vaio lappy which cracked because my mum sat on it ...GRRRR.....! i have nothing to hide, nothing to keep a secret anymore..i am completely honest about my feelings..I DONT LOVE ANYONE AT THIS MOMENT. i might feel slight affection towards my EX..but i am soooo lost..i have always been that kid that finds it hard to trust people. once u have broken my trust, then the next time will always be fake for u..ill always be watching from far away even tho i have the most sincere face being put on. name it, my mum, my dad, my brother. everyone else. i dont easily trust people i guess its just my nature. sigh...im longing for that true love to come n just sweep me off my feet. at the moment, i just dont noe what i feel.. 'i love you' doesnt sound quite the same anymore to me...ive grown up alot..ive learned alot from bitter memories..it has all accumulated n made me a stronger person. i have done alot of mistakes in my life. sometimes i wish i cud turn back time n undo allll of it..but without mistakes, there is no life. time flies away sooo fast u cant afford to waste time regreting regreting n regreting. take it all in n move on with ur head held high. and this is exactly what im doing naw. n because of this, i have moved on.n left all my sweet+bitter memories behind. and to open up all the steel-crates ive locked them in, is just impossible. i threw the key away. heh...funny, but true. im sure uve felt the same way right? locking bad memories n the past somewhere at the back of ur head n not wanting to open it.ever. the thing is, memories will never fade. it depends on us to put the picture in view or to just leave the picture as it is. as for me, i always look back at those pictures, remembering the sweet memories and not the bad ones. because all the people in those pictures, are the ones i have once loved.

I will change if u FORCE me to

When Zhaf said this world is actually fair enough to everyone, i went home n thought about it. and what he said was true.i mean Justin timberlake made it clear with his song what goes around comes around. So i guess ill just accept whatever shit naw happening to me as a punishment. Just i never thot the punishment will be on someone whom i love. or more like LOVED. Im not just talking bout guys here. i mean my friends too. sometimes, i just feel like they're taking adv over me because im telling u, im a nice person n its hard for me to say no. i think ive never backstabbed any of my friends, n i never turn u guys down. but i want u to think, what have u done for me instead? in realtionships, we have to give n take. but i feel like ive been giving all along n never receiving anything. i actually dont mind, but lame2 when i think about it, macam im quite dissappointed. i mean, do u guys really think ill still be here if u guys keep on acting like bitches? no. n like zhaf said (again) dont play with people's feelings. kau nak blah, kau blah. xyah la sakitkan perasaan orng lain. i have my own patient meter. and once it has past that, im really sorry to say, but i wont stick here any longer. i might be there, present in ur daily life..but i wont be that nice of a friend anymore. ive been so good to everyone n ia2 kan to everyone. mengalah dengan everyone. but im just a human being. u cant expect me to cover ur shit n clean ur mess everysingle time. Just because ur family is diff from mine, it doesnt me i have to sabotage mine rather than u sabotage urs. just because i lie to my mum more than u do, it doesnt mean i have to do it all the time for the sake of u not lying to urs. and how fair is that Zhaf? we look at the world in diff perspectives. everyone does. just dont expect me to see it the way that u see it. dont expect me to understand ur situation ALL THE FUCKING TIME. consider mine the next time. im bored of this town. fuck off. and im sincerely gonna say this. sape yang terasa tu mmg biarla terasa, sebab i dah banyak gile terasa dengan kau. just because im nice n forgiving (not quite), dont think u can barge tru my door, n minta maaf in taik-est way n nak berbaik dengan i. Dah bwat lancau banyak dengan i in the past, dont think ill be so damn nice untuk berbaik mcm tu je. im not stupid la k. i gave all of u alot of chances, when i was in ur situation, mintak peluang untuk memperbaiki diri, ingat baliik, did u give me any? did u give me any chance to even explain myself? NO, exactly. SO jgn ingat ill give it to u senang lenang. Im a fierce bitch, u should noe this. i might not even be the slightest nice person afterall. i forgive, but never forget.

Little Lost Lamb Seems To Still Be Lost.

i have no idea whatsoever about how i feel rite naw. its like, i dont even noe if i love u anymore. or if i hate u.. all this hatred is boiling up in the pit of my stomach. and its killing me. i just feel like running away. fucking far from here. why bother care n love me when all of u are just hurting my feelings? baik korang gi berambus jela k. dont..please la..jangan la berlagak and ego sangat as if ur sooo damn rite in everything that u do.. if u really love me than fight for it, dont be such a pussy la k.. everything that u do is killing me. its not suppose to hurt this way. i am not supposed to be hurtful like this, after all shit that all of u did to me. u noe what? when i am REALLY REALLY GONE FOREVER, then only ull noe how REGRETFUL N FUCKED UP U CAN BE without me. and when that time comes, dont even think of knocking on my door. ever again. u are a goner, a loser, a lonely crap if u dont have me. its a BIG LOSS FOR U N NOT FOR ME. everyone says that. so hey, guess what? i dont give shit if u hurt me naw, cause yang rugi u la k. hope u have a blast in ur torturing exp on me.

Hey you up there! i just dont get it what u're tryna do

Okay, so first of all, u had me soo confused with my own feelings when i was 9 years old. like wow, my brain was not even fully developed yet. okay fine. i went tru all the pain until i was 18. 9 fucking years. was that enuf for u? what lesson cud u ever want me to learn out of that? that never choose a long distance relationship coz it sucks n it will never work?never let ur husband out of sight? never be too egoistic? which one is it? wow, i totally learnt alot! thank u! n then what, u had all those nice people betraying me to get into my circle of comfortness? wow! maybe i get ur point. u didnt want me to trust people that easily. THANK U SO DAMN MUCH. i certainly find it hard to trust anyone. especially naw. OWH OWH WAIT, u did send me another hurtful msg that only u noe what cud teach me. destroying my relationship with everysingle people that i love? by the cause of other FUCKING OUTSIDERS? for what again? owh owh..maybe its time to just say sorry to OLDER people becoz in the olden days, people wud do that eventho they were right. but we are talking bout STUPID IMMATURE OLDER PEOPLE. how fascinating! u want me to BOW to stupid people like that n have no dignity for myself!? What is it that u really want me to see n look at? that i was wrong ALL ALONG. U MADE me like this dont blame me coz i cant take things the way they are. i DID NOTHING WRONG. u have no right to punish me like this. u said u will be there for me. but u are here to gimme alllllllllll this mess that arent even mine. thank u soo much. Why send me a guy which i fell for n take him away from me? twice? why send me all these nice guys that i seem to like but not sure enuf if its a true love feeling? what pengajaran lagi la u nak i terima? In my entire life, ive done nothing wrong to people whom i love or loved. n u FUCKING NOE that. so why? why why why? crave it on a stone, on a beach or something coz seriously i dont get it. why is it that GUYS who cheat on their wives can still live happy n live with that lie all along?why is it that WOMEN who send their FUCKING EMBRYOS straight to hell can still find happiness in life. ARE U CRAZY OR SOMETHING? tell me la. i might not be the most religious person on earth, but i do have that faith in u. i still believe that ull hate me if i betray you. yes! i have been betraying u, becoz u left me here..alone..in all this mess that arent even mine! is that fair? is that fair? i am not like the others. u should have known. u do noe. ur just ignoring me. i love u. but do u? i hate all these people who keep on hurting me for things that ive done.those things that ive done..i dont deserve to be punished. salah silap i, bukan seperti i bunuh orang, its not like i buat benda yang teruk giller. but ape yang i dapat? i x dihargai. when i love something, ill take care of it. i will love it with all myheart..u noe that. i x patut dihukum sebagaimana i dihukum skarang. i mmg benci betul all those hurtful things. my heart ni..disalut je...x pernah sembuh pun.. i sentiasa maafkan orng.i maafkan semua yang bwat salah kat i. tapi jangan harap la i akan lupa. and jangan ingat, senang2 kau masuk hidup aku, kau boleh buat sesuka hati. owh no, u x kenal i lagi.. once i DAH BENCI kat u, dont even think of recuperating any kind of relationship we have. lovers ke, kawan ke. FUCK OFF. ingat aku ni bergantung sangat ke kat korang..?nampak je mcm aku bergantung kat korang, but the truth is tanpa korang pun hidup aku boleh berjalan seperti biasa la. mati nanti pun sorang2 la..ive been going tru life ALONE my whole entire life. huh....challenge la i lagi...i mmg suke. i mmg x kesah lagi la pasal anyone anymore. kau nak bwat ape, kau bwat. jangan ingat la kau boleh change aku sesuka hati. kau sape? hati i keras macam batu. i bukan la orang yang u nak cari gadoh. klau i nampak baik , sbnrnye kat dalam aku x peduli pun. okay? kalau dah bwat taik kat aku, mmg kau dapat balik la. hidup ni x senang. n jgn harap la tru me, u akan senang gak. mmg mimpi la.

Ikhlas from me. hope u like it.