wow, i never knew i was that mad

okay, so this past few weeks, i have been extremely emotionally unbalanced n i feel like i kept sooooo much anger in me. towards everyone including GAWD. i mean GOD. Just read my recent blogs n ull noe what im talking about..i shud, shall, maybe. . . . apologize? maybe when im ready. owh wait a minute..i mean, NO, im waiting for people to apologize to me instead. whatever, i dont really care much bout those issues. what captured me today was that i had a date with Zaim. well not a date date..just i met him to settle things..n i feel like we didnt settle anything. -_- he kept talking n talking bout all the stuff that has been happening to him eversince we broke up. or...rather he left me..i mean dumped me.. 5 times. so yes, to those who have been wondering whether royal highness farah suhaila has ever been dumped before or not, the answer is yes. n 5 times. huhuhu..im actually laughing while im typing this..because never in my whole entire life, some guy dumps me for 5 times in a row..omgawd, how IMPOSSIBLE. i mean like, never ever.. just i messed up. seriously..n im not joking, so stop laughing..i feel bad. i noe i screwed our relationship. n im not proud of it..just, the thing is, we were never officially GF/BF. Just when i saw him today..all those annoying feelings just came back. gripping on me like an aching gum. i just feel that he should be mature in the future, if we dont ever get back together. sometimes..wait, i mean i ALWAYS feel extremely annoyed by his attitude. seriously...i noe i can never change him. he is mohd zaim anyway...i have no right to change a person unless the person is willing to change. but on the other hand, i felt like i could hear voices screaming from deep down in my heart. this void in me..is crying that i miss him. sometimes. i feel soo lonely since he went away. i think about him alot..i noe he will never forgive me. but what i can do is truely apologize n hope ill never make the same mistake. because obviously i cant turn back time n undo whatever that i have done. ALL my friends say that im not the one to be blamed. i did have difficulties loving him the way i love my ex bf. but i guess i was wrong for not letting him go earlier. he wouldnt have to feel such great pain like he's feeling rite naw. My ex penah cakap yang die hanyut or something. when i think about it, i feel that way rite naw. even at this very moment while im typing away on my Vaio lappy which cracked because my mum sat on it ...GRRRR.....! i have nothing to hide, nothing to keep a secret anymore..i am completely honest about my feelings..I DONT LOVE ANYONE AT THIS MOMENT. i might feel slight affection towards my EX..but i am soooo lost..i have always been that kid that finds it hard to trust people. once u have broken my trust, then the next time will always be fake for u..ill always be watching from far away even tho i have the most sincere face being put on. name it, my mum, my dad, my brother. everyone else. i dont easily trust people i guess its just my nature. sigh...im longing for that true love to come n just sweep me off my feet. at the moment, i just dont noe what i feel.. 'i love you' doesnt sound quite the same anymore to me...ive grown up alot..ive learned alot from bitter memories..it has all accumulated n made me a stronger person. i have done alot of mistakes in my life. sometimes i wish i cud turn back time n undo allll of it..but without mistakes, there is no life. time flies away sooo fast u cant afford to waste time regreting regreting n regreting. take it all in n move on with ur head held high. and this is exactly what im doing naw. n because of this, i have moved on.n left all my sweet+bitter memories behind. and to open up all the steel-crates ive locked them in, is just impossible. i threw the key away. heh...funny, but true. im sure uve felt the same way right? locking bad memories n the past somewhere at the back of ur head n not wanting to open it.ever. the thing is, memories will never fade. it depends on us to put the picture in view or to just leave the picture as it is. as for me, i always look back at those pictures, remembering the sweet memories and not the bad ones. because all the people in those pictures, are the ones i have once loved.