10 minutes with Farah's down-side

When i was younger, okla, actually eversince i was born..i wasnt just born like every other child in this world with a demure attitude and an impressive patient meter. Instead, i was born with the combination of my mom and my dad's unbelievable tantrum. well naw that they are older, they seem to have shifted their ways of releasing anger into something more..boring. my mum wud usually just sit infront of her computer typing away on whatever that she's doing. n my dad? FISHING. n not just fishing like all other people; under the bridge or likewise. he wud actually go out to the sea n just. . . .FISH. i can say that i noe my parents really well..when somethings not right, they wud express it in the (weirdest way?) safest way i cud call it because i noe they dont want me to notice or something. but u noe like how a mother can detect whenever her child's in trouble? its actually vice versa. i DO noe whenever my mum is upset or my dad is stressed at work.. and seeing how they handle their feelings n emotions, i start to ponder on the possibility that i am not their biological child. (so not true, my mum once almost tore away some poor makcik cuci tandas' face because she wudnt let my mum use the toilet, and my dad once scraped some bastards' car because the owner parked it right behind of my dad's big ass volvo) so, cut to the chase. .

When i was younger, i had really bad , n i mean really bad temper. my emotions were so unstable, just by some unlucky day for anyone, i cud be mad at even the simplest things. and when i had bfs in the past, uuuuhhhhh *merengus kesimpatian* MIND MY BAD MALAY LANGUAGE. i felt bad for them..i mean, i always shouted at my ex bfs. haha..to think about it macam kesian giller dowh..i was like one hell of a raging bull that cud kill anyone at any moment. n usually when im mad, i wud always punch my fist into anything that i cud reach for.. n usually i wud break something. there were times i had to pull out pieces of mirror that got stucked between my knuckles (good lord xde parut). it was that bad. i guess so much happened during my entire childhood n when i grew up, i didnt really cope with everything that happened in the pass or even present. so pendek kate, i was in a denial state n yang menjadi mangsa mmg bf i lah. n errr lemme think wat else i did..OWH..i cried alot..im such a cry baby, up to this day..well naw not so anymore la..but when i was younger, i used to cry alot whenever i felt stressful n mad. n i still remember till naw that i wud cry n brush my teeth so hard that my gum wud bleed. it was how i released all my anger. n i wud cry, n mumble till i fell asleep. phew. n my bf wud call n call n finally give up. good lord i salute u guys!!

N naw, after some long years, i have finally started to control my temper bits by bits..i have the smallest patient meter anyone cud ever have. (thats why i always remind everyone to not mess with me) because when someone upsets me, i get so grumpy n that may lead to something horrible n terrifying. seriously, u DO NOT WANT TO SEE ME GET MAD. who knew that a 5'2" little girl cud have such great energy n a freaking loud voice that wud sometimes make me look like i have been possessed by a satan.  haha..u can either ask my ex bfs, or my mum, or my sis or my brother. they all know how i am like when im mad. So, at the age of 21, i can sense that i have improved myself in controlling my anger. usually ill get mad when someone i love upsets me. it cud be my bf, my family members or my friends. orang lain kalau bwat hal slalunye i x brape nak kesah. but when people who love me do things that break my heart (i am byright the most sensitive person in the world) i wud be so devastated, that finally jealousy/sadness/upset-ness wud turn into ANGER. i wud usually cry of anger n not because of sadness. seriously. have u ever heard of the song 'hit 'em up' by TUPAC? yeah, u noe how he raps like a mad cow at the end of the song?

"Naw ur about to feel the wrath of the menace, nigga, hit 'em up"

That is exactly how i feel when im mad. i totally feel him. R.I.P Tupac Shakur. well anyway, instead of knocking n punching things. i have finally found an alternative way to release my anger. wanna noe what? ill tell u at the end of the story. its more dangerous from what ive ever done before, but i cant help it, n it seems that, that is the only way i can be OK after being mood-ruined. besides that, i usually listen to songs n sing along. that helps alot. n today, i drank 2 bottles of coughing syrup. man it tastes so good.

Did i just say today?

Have u ever cried , not cry like waaaaa(!!)...no, not like that..its like, u wanna cry out loud but the upside-down feeling inside u, is just like making u confused n ur brain misintreprets n stops ur eyes from pouring out. n u can feel ur face getting hot n u notice at one point that ur actually sweating...and uh..u place both ur hands on the sides of ur forehead n just pressing hard as if u want to just shove everything out of ur head. n spontaneously ur mouth utter or morelike mumble words. not really words, but the sounds of fighting agony..well, that was after downing those 2 bottles of coughing syrup. n not to mention chain-smoking.

N u noe what is the most unexpected thing i wud think of? is to drive down to eim's house n just sit in my car at his parking lot n just stare at his apartment's window. i dont noe why, but i have been thinking alot about him lately. maybe i miss him. well i do miss him. hmmm...not all those fights, no...just i needed someone to make me feel ok.. well, crap. that didnt happen. i dont think he wud wanna see me. EVER again.

so instead, i risk my life by not wearing any seatbelts. i ram up behind any fast vehicle infront of me. (n being raced with after). i dont stop at any redlights ('cept for any junctions with cars, im not that stupid thank u very much). i blast off the radio..i dont hit the brakes if i think its not necessary. i never brake at any corner i come to. i raced with a white TRD today. the driver got mad (since i ram up his butt), i got a little thrilled n laughed at him. i overtook him and he passed me by at some traffic light where i was turning right. he was suprised to see that after-all, it was a cute raging bitch behind the wheels of his competitor. so he wasnt mad but smiled back instead.

so i guess naw uve got ur answer. n yes. i release my anger by driving at the speed of 200km/hr. n also initiating other people's rage by ramming up right behind their butts n have a thrill or so by racing with them.

im a fast driver, im a safe driver.n yes, im a raging bitch.

Farah Suhaila's soft side (romance part 1)

I want to be loved unconditionally. always.

I want that person to always say that he loves me. that i am the only one he always thinks of.

I want that person to always be by my side (not necessarily being present, just support me) whenever i feel insecure n whenever im at my lowest ground.

I want that person to always touch my hair, n tuck strands of it behind my ear n whispers how lucky he is to have me.

I want that person to see me as not only a lover, but a good friend who he can always come to and share his problems.

I want that person to not feel intimidated by me but instead see me as a spirit arouser.

I want that person to know that its okay to look at other hot women out there (since i check out hot guys all the time too), but immediately says that i am byright prettier than anyone in this world.

I want that person to know that he can always talk to me eventho im mad. infact, i want him to talk to me when im mad. its not like i cant tolerate on anything. the faster he talks to me, the shorter the period the fight will be, the faster both of us wud heal.

I want that person to always hug me as if he doesnt want me to go anywhere far from him. even 1m.

I want that person to play me romantic songs on his guitar n let me sing (since i have a great christina-aguilera voice)

I want that person to acknowledge me as someone really important in his life to his friends n family.

I want that person to always have my back when im being bullied by other stupid girls.

I want that person to be fair to me. NO EGO at all (coz i have no ego left in me when it comes to him)

I want that person to call me n say he's sorry for being sucha stupid asshole but is still lucky to have me coz he knows that ill forgive him for his stupidity anyway ( which is true).

I want that person to know that being in love with me is not a GAME. its never about who wins n who losses. its just about how much he cares for me to admit his mistakes n same goes to me.

I want that person to forgive me for being sucha bitch sometimes. but only because i love him so much (he doesnt noe that)

I want that person to know that im trying my best to NOT be mad, NOT being clingy, NOT being a cry baby all the time, NOT being so dependant on him (so not true) just so he can have his so called RELAXED life. but life is hard. u must know this.

I want that person to know that ive been waiting for a long time for him to propose but he never does. =(

I want that person to stop being so egoistic n just love me for who i am.

I want that person to LOVE me, without restraining himself from whatever.

I want that person to know that i believe in him (to make me happy). all my friends believe in him. even my mom who kind of dissapproves him also believes in him . the only person who doesnt believe in him...is himself.

I want that person to know that life right naw may seem like this. but we always got to believe that it will get better. as long as we are together n we put effort together.

I want that person to know that any problem in this world ade jalan penyelesaian nye. there is nothing that cant be fixed (except for my scar).

I want that person to know that my hantaran will stil be RM 22,222.22. Its not about the money. Its about an event that girls get to feel once in a life time.

I want that person to know that i dont want anyone else anymore. No one could make me happier than u n ur lame jokes, no one could make me cry like u do, no one can make me do crazy stupid wild things, like u do. no one cud gain my respect, like u do.

I want that person to know that i am indeed a jealous person. n i surely hate anyone who have taken ur virtue together with them -_-

I want that person to noe that hidung i sumbat skarang ni, n my batuk is getting worse, n no one wud ask me 'dah makan ubat ke belum' except u.

I want that person to know that im planning to quit smoking soon. because i want my children to turn out normal n not retarded like their mom. (xgelak, serius ni).

I want that person to really appreciate me n see me as an important person in his life n actually show it.

I want that person to never ignore me because of some stupid football match or watever mamak. what if i die tonight? we never know.

I want that person to know that i have a disease. n a critical one.

Maybe ill still see sunlight tomorrow.

Maybe ill still hear ur voice tomorrow.

Maybe ill never get a chance to see u or touch u for the last time.

Maybe god will take away my soul tonight. or maybe urs.

Im tired of living so stressfully n unhappy. we dont have that much time. actually we dont have any time at all to be stressful. i just want to be happy, enjoy life n enjoy loving someone n to be loved my someone.

n most importantly, GROW OLD with someone who i love alot. but thats not gonna happen if EGO is in the way, n mature thinking shud lead us in the right direction.

Lastly, i sure as hell want that person to know that i love him, i have always loved him, it has always been him all along. 3 years back, or 2 years back, or 1 week ago. it has always been u. n its a BIG LOSS if u let me go now, its a loss if u dont appreciate me now, its a loss if u keep on thinking and thinking of whatever it is that u r thinking without expressing them or putting ur thoughts into action.

because darling. it is true that when i love someone or something, i will love them with all my heart. unconditionally.

but. my heart is not as strong as it may seem. n i wont probably be here forever. take the risk, live a happy life? or regret forever.

Jealousy comes with a price

So i noticed one thing. well actually a lot of things. one of them is that i notice girls hate me. if i didnt noe the person, she will be staring at me like i killed her cat or something. and if i DO noe the person, she will avoid me so that ill be left out on whatever matter it is that i am supposed to know. even about college assignments..yeap, thats true..i think on earth...they have a term for that..its called 'JEALOUSY'. or to be more demure, i'd like to call it ENVY. i get it. alot of girls are jealous of me. what other reason wud they hate me? ive got to be honest, ive never really thot of this before. i wud always think that maybe my make-up was bad, n maybe my hair is untidy..or maybe i forgot to take off the pricetag from my 200 worth of headband. or maybe just becoz im ugly? (which is a total lie, lalala). BUT, after talking to my good good GFs (which wud never backstab me ofcourse) about it, we, well actually they concluded that most girls are jealous of what i have n what i am...since im sooo pweetttyy..lalala~ haha.. and HELL NO its because im mean. becoz i aint mean. most of the girls who dislike me dont even noe me that well..so dont be judgemental okay. and i finally agreed to whatever my gfs said. I abruptly rewind all the situations n events that had happened before and they are seriously right .huhu. This girl stared in disgust at me today, just because her bf was looking at me all the way. (yes, i noticed). owh and how about that time at the cashier, when the salesgirl suddenly became so moody when i came up in line. she was all so nice to the other customers.?? AND, when i asked whether they had a new handbag in particular at armani last year, that acne-smothered face son of a gun said that the handbag was the last piece they had. and Ace ( my nice GUYfriend over at armanis) said the next day that they atually had 2 more at the back..and that the acne bitch was a trainee.. i kinda doo noe why..to think about it. ive never been mean to any of these girls, but why do they treat me so peculiarly? hmmm...OWH, yang paling penting sekali. FACEBOOK...u see, some girls, muka tembok..nak add i , nak berkawan dgn i..but when they find out, that they can never be me, n they feel soooooo intimidated by me, guess what??? they delete me from their friendlist. rmai dah i perhatikan bwat mcm tu..well,  i have 3 words for u. ADA AKU KESAH? *laughing as bitchily as i can* u see, i never care what other people think of me..u nak jealous, jealous la..nak delete me from FB ke FS ke...silakan..i x rugi ape2..but YOU, mmg membuktikan kat i something. that ur a coward-low self-esteem beyatch n cant see other people who are better than u.. sepatutnye, if we are friends with people that we think are superior toward us, we should be glad we have found friends like that and take them as a role model or whatsoever. ini x, kalau asyik nak berhasad dengki n menutup dunia sendiri supaya lebih kecil, n xde ape2..then rugi lah..

Well, i dont give shit. i dont give shit bout what people think of me.. my FAMILY loves me. my FRIENDS love me. FOR WHO I AM.. So what made u think dgn mendelete i dr facebook u, i akan rase terhina, serba salah..sedih n lain2? haha...dream on la girls. that will never happen. i am very independant, i dont even need a guy to live, apetah lagi la perempuan2 mcm korang yang tau pokpek gossip pasal kejahilan orang lain instead of ur own sins. Ingat la, slagi korang sume x mintak maaf sebab mngumpat benda bukan2 pasal i, judge benda buruk pasal i..anggap i macan2 la...korang memang xkn dapat keampunan dari tuhan..ingat u bleh gossip pasal i and masuk heaven? dream on on that too la. Menyebarkan berita burok yg salah mengenai seseorng adalah lebih teruk dari mencuri tau..ha, ingat i jahil sgt ke agama.

Yang nak berkawan dgn i tu, ur most welcomed, i like being friends with people who think out of the box, who has self-confidence n noe what they want in life. n knowledgable too..because these people bring benefit to me n vice-versa..tapi, klau yang tau bergossip je, jealous x bertempat, keyakinan diri 0%, tau mengenang nasib yang x kemana, NO THANKS, dont even think of adding me as a friend. because these type of people la yang akan backstab i in the end. n im sure to everyone else too.

Remember, if my parents never say anything bad bout me n bout whatever that ive done in my life, n they terima me as a WHOLE, dont even think u akan dapat that chance to ruin it by saying things that are TRUE, but only to YOU. everyone ade pendapat masing2.. if i dont cross over into ur territory, i expect u to stay far SHIT away from mine. got it?

UNWANTED

i am literally crying right naw. it just hurts too much..i am totally unwanted. inappreciatively ignored. i rase sedih. i just sometimes breakdown n cry, n i havent cried in quite awhile. nobody gets me.nobody understands me. i try so hard not to cry, because i dont want other people to think of me as someone who cant live without attention, love n moral support all the time. but the fact is, i do. i am just like every other human being in this world. i pun nak someone to be there for me when i really need someone to talk to, or to share my problems with.. if i nanges sket je..nanti orng ingat im not tough enuf to face this world or something. if i nanges sket je, people akan ingat i ni melebih2 or watever.all they think is i nanges for something completely remeh n stupid. but life is soo unfair. everyone deserves to be happy. sume orng tak tau what im going tru n stuff. i depend totally on NOTHING. its something i shud be proud of, but i have feelings too u noe..sometimes i tgk orng lain..they have family members to talk to. bf/gfs to talk to all the time. n friends who wud be there regardless of anything else. regardless of anything else. i just feel sad..sometimes, people will ignore me when im soo sad n down for something really stupid..they wud rather do something else just to let me down even more..i might sound okay..but i try really hard to avoid making everyone so worried about me. its just sad u noe. i just cant take it anymore. i hate crying. it makes me feel weak..but what can i do, its only normal to feel this way.. i rase macam i have nobody. nobody at all.. all those promises. just simpan baik2 je la k.. jangan la bwat janji yang u x boleh tepati. gave me alot of hope but not really into it..i just want to end this. maybe i should go to australia/UK after all..xde sape pun yang hargai i kat sini.  i hate crying ;-((

Take a deep breath Farah. . . . . . . . (!!!)

okay......(breathing out) fiuuuuh........ i was gonna write about how superbly emotionally messed-up guys are. how stupid they are, how angry i am with them right naw, n how stupid of me to even worship them (sumtimes). i am stupid. i always let my emotions take over...but this is the fucking last time i will ever be swallowed into their masacre (OMG I HATE IT). And i will never ever depend on them (despite that i miss being called at night before going to bed) and i will never ask them how they are doing at the moment. n watever else...i am soo damn pissed off right naw...i cud kill a cow.. i cud be driving my brothers car right naw which is fucking fast btw..and i cud just bloody run over a cow right naw. why are guys so egoistic, n stupid. n stupid. i typed it twice. im not saying they are stupid as in academically (so freaking true) , but they are born to be so shallow n low in their emotional thinking. i am starting to think n ponder on the fact that god created men to be with women (snort) seriously, are we even meant to be together? ( if u realise, i said in the beginning of my blog, that i am NOT suppose to write about superbly emotionally messed-up guys, but i am anyway). GGrrrrrr.....i just dont get it why guys cant be as simple as they CLAIM they are. fuck my ass. Guys are even more messed up than girls. all u do is say OKAY OKAY. but actually u wanna say more, but u dont wanna hurt the girl's feelings? Yo stupid, dont u even noe, she's already hurt anyway? whatever else u say is not gonna change or make a difference. STUPID. omgawd. enuf with guys. i dont need a freaking BF. I am sooooo damn bloody fine on my own i dont need anyone to call me at night anymore. (so not true) . n i dont need anyone to take care of me. i am not a baby anymore. n i am certainly NOT UR BABY. so u can F off. ok, breathe in............haaaaah.....okay, i feel so much better.

but its true tho..i am so independent..all i want is attention from a guy who i like n who loves me. but if i aint getting it, im not gonna die darling. infact...there are sooooo many guys out there who wish to take me out on a date. theyre just a phone call away..i can have 200 replacement with a snap of my finger. uhuuhh *Boastful smile with slutty voice*. whatever. seriously.

Sooo...*giddy smile* wat i actually wanted to write was about...hahahah...omg, GUYS. but the story here is about all wonderful n intelligent guys (who are a bit stupid also but its ok) who worship me instead when i was a bit younger. =D .. to be exact, it was the time when i was in matrix..n those times....omg...i wudnt change it for anyything...seriously it was one of the best moments ive ever encountered within this 22 years of life..n i must say, that matrix was full of drama, n love n lust..n everthing was so perfect. (except for my dad's suprise.i bet u noe about it). so, i remember having this fling with one of the jocks in the soccer team. His name was..TUUUT. (lol) and he wasnt handsome..but he had this really really pleasing personality and everything about him was palatable.. n i liked him. so we usually had lunch together, n i remember how crazily chaotic it was when everyone on the team found out. because i was sucha HOTTIE when i was in matrix (like dude, i was wearing tudung at that time n i was still a hottie) n they all called me FaraHot. hahahah..seriously im not being boastful, its just the truth. n the truth hurts, for u..n not for me. so too bad loser. *uhuh uhuh* =P okay okay...so every guy on the team wud come up n make fun of him, because he wasnt that too much of a hottie  n they cudnt figure out why i was hanging out with him..so finally, we broke off..seperate ways..me with my jogging buddies  n, him with his bunch of ballsacs.


After that, i met this guy..his name was TUUUUT..haha im sorry i cant say. he was a HOTTIE. he was a winner. he had everything that a gurl wud want in a guy..he has the looks, the brain..n everything..but it was sucha shame that he had a gf..a 2-year relationship or smething..but it was really fun with him...because one of my lecturers actually wanted to hook us up (like seriously)..n she was all the time so fucking stoked about getting to put us in the same group or same area. we shared alot of college activities..it was such good times. i missed my matriculation..because sooooo much happened in that 1 year..n all of it was good memories..with drama, i mean like real drama, not drama drama..where i got the leading role as princess beauty..*omg, such shocking news, who wudve guessed?* hahahha..seriously, i always get the role of a pretty princess or something that equals to that. if not princess, a spoilt princess..haha....its just me u noe..i guess i am really spoilt..not that i ever deny it..i do realise it..lol..watever..n wat else...i miss the food..omg, the foood at college, was freaking bloody awesome..most people hate their college food..but mine? na-ah...it was superbly delicious all the time n they had the yummiest tea-break selections. i really miss the food there..i havent found yet any malay stalls that cud ever compete with the food at my college.

The reason why im opening the story on matrix is because, i read my older blog...n omg, i kept on smiling every 2 seconds..i just miss the time i had in matrix SOOOOO muchhh! i miss my friends, my bfs..my guy friends, n more bfs...n scandals..n everything..it awesome. it was a year of rebeliion..but at the same time, i got to learn about myself n exploring my true potential..dude, i was a national public speaker man..uh huh...*slutty voice again* hahaha..u can never be in a fight with me, cause i wud kick ur ass  i always have something to say..maybe because we were trained to always speak spontaneously about almost anything..there was this one time, my lecturer asked me to talk about rambutans...n i kept on talking for 5-7 minutes..just on rambutans..hehehe..i love public speaking..because i have that confidence that i never knew i had in me, n public speaking just made me realise that i do have that potential..*sob*..i miss it..so much...but im so old naw..i cant be in a public speaking comp anymore..thats so highschool..wat i want naw..is to join one of those youth activist clubs. oh ho, seriously..it cud bring me alot of benefits. A hot guy's phone number for example. haha. goodnight nocturnals! u noe u love me.

priority

so, im finally done with college. just a little bit more and ill finally be graduating in August. i have a car. i love my car. i have tremendously amazing friends, i have a fat cute n spoilt cat. a fat cute n spoilt rabbit too.. and im hopefully going to get my dream job.. (OMG i am so psyched!!) n if possible, im going to rent a house in shah alam. n u noe what? for the first time in my life, im not afraid of pursuing all this ON MY OWN..instead, i feel excited, i feel like im entering into the world of adulthood. i feel that nobody can ever take this away from me..and for once..ive never thot of having a BF or whatsoever. i mean, before, i was still studying n love was always a part of it..but i noe myself very well..i am one independent woman..n just the thot of working n all...it makes me soo happy that i just dont find love as one of my top priority anymore..like i can totally skip all the love drama right naw n just concentrate on my future job..(!!) omgawd..i am so thrilled...eventho i noe that my mum does not approve my choice of profession..but muuuum, i love the real estate industry world! its totally me..cant u see =)) i like interacting with people..i love working with lots of challenge being put at my face n most importantly, i love jobs that offer u lots of money depending on ur effort n skill. because babeyh..im totally gonna work my butt off..for something that i totally like! omg im soo happy i pray to god i get the job...errr...-_-

Soooo.....enuf with my future career..i wonder what my friends are doing naw? i noe that some of them got into UMBI n stuff...haish..sometimes i just wonder if what im doing right naw is the best for me..but im gonna follow my hunch n it says that real estate is where i belong..owh god..im smiling away n im hoping that everything works out perfect. =))

ok..enuf for naw..im sending in my resume soon..this year is going to be brilliant for me..because last year it was a blast..we have to believe it just keeps on getting better u noe. ? aite..love u guys wherever u are. muacks

xoxo