Another Manic Friday.

Some might be sleeping. Some might be playing their X-box 360. Some might be having sex at this very moment. Some might be throwing flour n eggs at their loved ones. Some might be studying (shud be me but im not). Some might be watching discovery channel and sipping on tuborg. And some. . .might be stressed out by some psychotic asshole which called to mess up their mind. That is me. well, im not the psychotic asshole. im the victim. Never in my life, have i encountered such a psycopath which doesnt get what im tryna say. Never in my life either had i encountered such a BIG headed , world-best manipulator. And never in my entire life have i encountered such a mind-messer which i had fallen for in the beginning. And yes, Mr Z called me last nite and caused sooo much pain n sickness in me, i swear i cud feel my heart beating soo fast it almost went out of its conformation. I feeeeel sooo mad at him i almost regret even knowing him. but i dont. he's a nice guy n deserves someone like him. "ill wait until u finish ur exam, n by then, i wud like to hear an answer from u like you've promised". And so, i have less than 10 days to make up my mind whether i shud work out our relationship or just move on seperately. i know the answer SHUD BE that i just walk off. like Christina Aguilera did tru her song , 'walk away'. . i sing that song everysingle day n i totally get it. I mean, farah, dont torture urself. eventho ill be the bitchiest bitch n feel soo guilty for the rest of my life. if uve read my recent blogs, i was explaining on how im the type who cant say NO. im toooo kind to see other people sedih or watever. But this time is diff...i feel like i cannot take it anymore. even if we get back together..it will NEVER b the same.. he has to face the fact, i have to face the fact, that this thing will always come between us in the future. And soo...i guess i dont need another 10 days..i can make that desicion right naw.. I dont think ill be easily swept away after this by any guy..because what Z has done for me..i think nobody can ever do it better than him.. such a shame both of us are crazy big headed people who cant loose in any situation =P... seriously..ARIES VS. SCORPIO = madness+destruction+WAR. i just feel n think that we arent actually compatible enuf to not kill each other. hehe..omgawd Z...ill miss u sooo much u have no idea..i love u..but it has to stop right here, right naw.. im not the tunduk-tunduk material kind of girl. im bossy in my own way..we just arent meant for each other ya noe? if only u wud understand what im tryna say..sigh~..i have a test in less than 4 hours n im typing away writing this blog. how can i think anymore when he has messed up my mind. thanks a bunch Z, woo woo! i appreciate ur last effort in making me insane. good job. To those who have psycopath partners, my advice is, if u can accept them n dont turn crazy by the 50th time u guys have a major fight, then i suggest u keep loving them n cherish them..dont ever let them go because if u can go tru that..it must be REAL TRUE LOVE that is anchoring ur bond together. =) i wish my time will come soon. hey im still young. 21 is like zero in a way. hehe. Maybe ill print this blog out n leave it on his door steps. it cud be the last love letter ill ever write to you Z. =( I love u and i miss u..i wish u all the best in life..u are sooo kind to me n ive never had the slightest intention to make u even think that i was fooling around all this while. When u find someone new, u will realise that i was just  a harbor that u stopped by to gain experience n share a little joy n pain. ur true destination will come soon ur way. Just keep believing in urself like u always do. I might not be there for u anymore. but im still here. alive. n my iphone is never out of my sight. Drop ur ego sometimes n gimme a call aite psycopath ? =)

your tomel, your pembuli, your merajok machine, your gadoh buddy, your moral supporter, your everything. . .
FSZ.

wow, i never knew i was that mad

okay, so this past few weeks, i have been extremely emotionally unbalanced n i feel like i kept sooooo much anger in me. towards everyone including GAWD. i mean GOD. Just read my recent blogs n ull noe what im talking about..i shud, shall, maybe. . . . apologize? maybe when im ready. owh wait a minute..i mean, NO, im waiting for people to apologize to me instead. whatever, i dont really care much bout those issues. what captured me today was that i had a date with Zaim. well not a date date..just i met him to settle things..n i feel like we didnt settle anything. -_- he kept talking n talking bout all the stuff that has been happening to him eversince we broke up. or...rather he left me..i mean dumped me.. 5 times. so yes, to those who have been wondering whether royal highness farah suhaila has ever been dumped before or not, the answer is yes. n 5 times. huhuhu..im actually laughing while im typing this..because never in my whole entire life, some guy dumps me for 5 times in a row..omgawd, how IMPOSSIBLE. i mean like, never ever.. just i messed up. seriously..n im not joking, so stop laughing..i feel bad. i noe i screwed our relationship. n im not proud of it..just, the thing is, we were never officially GF/BF. Just when i saw him today..all those annoying feelings just came back. gripping on me like an aching gum. i just feel that he should be mature in the future, if we dont ever get back together. sometimes..wait, i mean i ALWAYS feel extremely annoyed by his attitude. seriously...i noe i can never change him. he is mohd zaim anyway...i have no right to change a person unless the person is willing to change. but on the other hand, i felt like i could hear voices screaming from deep down in my heart. this void in me..is crying that i miss him. sometimes. i feel soo lonely since he went away. i think about him alot..i noe he will never forgive me. but what i can do is truely apologize n hope ill never make the same mistake. because obviously i cant turn back time n undo whatever that i have done. ALL my friends say that im not the one to be blamed. i did have difficulties loving him the way i love my ex bf. but i guess i was wrong for not letting him go earlier. he wouldnt have to feel such great pain like he's feeling rite naw. My ex penah cakap yang die hanyut or something. when i think about it, i feel that way rite naw. even at this very moment while im typing away on my Vaio lappy which cracked because my mum sat on it ...GRRRR.....! i have nothing to hide, nothing to keep a secret anymore..i am completely honest about my feelings..I DONT LOVE ANYONE AT THIS MOMENT. i might feel slight affection towards my EX..but i am soooo lost..i have always been that kid that finds it hard to trust people. once u have broken my trust, then the next time will always be fake for u..ill always be watching from far away even tho i have the most sincere face being put on. name it, my mum, my dad, my brother. everyone else. i dont easily trust people i guess its just my nature. sigh...im longing for that true love to come n just sweep me off my feet. at the moment, i just dont noe what i feel.. 'i love you' doesnt sound quite the same anymore to me...ive grown up alot..ive learned alot from bitter memories..it has all accumulated n made me a stronger person. i have done alot of mistakes in my life. sometimes i wish i cud turn back time n undo allll of it..but without mistakes, there is no life. time flies away sooo fast u cant afford to waste time regreting regreting n regreting. take it all in n move on with ur head held high. and this is exactly what im doing naw. n because of this, i have moved on.n left all my sweet+bitter memories behind. and to open up all the steel-crates ive locked them in, is just impossible. i threw the key away. heh...funny, but true. im sure uve felt the same way right? locking bad memories n the past somewhere at the back of ur head n not wanting to open it.ever. the thing is, memories will never fade. it depends on us to put the picture in view or to just leave the picture as it is. as for me, i always look back at those pictures, remembering the sweet memories and not the bad ones. because all the people in those pictures, are the ones i have once loved.

I will change if u FORCE me to

When Zhaf said this world is actually fair enough to everyone, i went home n thought about it. and what he said was true.i mean Justin timberlake made it clear with his song what goes around comes around. So i guess ill just accept whatever shit naw happening to me as a punishment. Just i never thot the punishment will be on someone whom i love. or more like LOVED. Im not just talking bout guys here. i mean my friends too. sometimes, i just feel like they're taking adv over me because im telling u, im a nice person n its hard for me to say no. i think ive never backstabbed any of my friends, n i never turn u guys down. but i want u to think, what have u done for me instead? in realtionships, we have to give n take. but i feel like ive been giving all along n never receiving anything. i actually dont mind, but lame2 when i think about it, macam im quite dissappointed. i mean, do u guys really think ill still be here if u guys keep on acting like bitches? no. n like zhaf said (again) dont play with people's feelings. kau nak blah, kau blah. xyah la sakitkan perasaan orng lain. i have my own patient meter. and once it has past that, im really sorry to say, but i wont stick here any longer. i might be there, present in ur daily life..but i wont be that nice of a friend anymore. ive been so good to everyone n ia2 kan to everyone. mengalah dengan everyone. but im just a human being. u cant expect me to cover ur shit n clean ur mess everysingle time. Just because ur family is diff from mine, it doesnt me i have to sabotage mine rather than u sabotage urs. just because i lie to my mum more than u do, it doesnt mean i have to do it all the time for the sake of u not lying to urs. and how fair is that Zhaf? we look at the world in diff perspectives. everyone does. just dont expect me to see it the way that u see it. dont expect me to understand ur situation ALL THE FUCKING TIME. consider mine the next time. im bored of this town. fuck off. and im sincerely gonna say this. sape yang terasa tu mmg biarla terasa, sebab i dah banyak gile terasa dengan kau. just because im nice n forgiving (not quite), dont think u can barge tru my door, n minta maaf in taik-est way n nak berbaik dengan i. Dah bwat lancau banyak dengan i in the past, dont think ill be so damn nice untuk berbaik mcm tu je. im not stupid la k. i gave all of u alot of chances, when i was in ur situation, mintak peluang untuk memperbaiki diri, ingat baliik, did u give me any? did u give me any chance to even explain myself? NO, exactly. SO jgn ingat ill give it to u senang lenang. Im a fierce bitch, u should noe this. i might not even be the slightest nice person afterall. i forgive, but never forget.

Little Lost Lamb Seems To Still Be Lost.

i have no idea whatsoever about how i feel rite naw. its like, i dont even noe if i love u anymore. or if i hate u.. all this hatred is boiling up in the pit of my stomach. and its killing me. i just feel like running away. fucking far from here. why bother care n love me when all of u are just hurting my feelings? baik korang gi berambus jela k. dont..please la..jangan la berlagak and ego sangat as if ur sooo damn rite in everything that u do.. if u really love me than fight for it, dont be such a pussy la k.. everything that u do is killing me. its not suppose to hurt this way. i am not supposed to be hurtful like this, after all shit that all of u did to me. u noe what? when i am REALLY REALLY GONE FOREVER, then only ull noe how REGRETFUL N FUCKED UP U CAN BE without me. and when that time comes, dont even think of knocking on my door. ever again. u are a goner, a loser, a lonely crap if u dont have me. its a BIG LOSS FOR U N NOT FOR ME. everyone says that. so hey, guess what? i dont give shit if u hurt me naw, cause yang rugi u la k. hope u have a blast in ur torturing exp on me.

Hey you up there! i just dont get it what u're tryna do

Okay, so first of all, u had me soo confused with my own feelings when i was 9 years old. like wow, my brain was not even fully developed yet. okay fine. i went tru all the pain until i was 18. 9 fucking years. was that enuf for u? what lesson cud u ever want me to learn out of that? that never choose a long distance relationship coz it sucks n it will never work?never let ur husband out of sight? never be too egoistic? which one is it? wow, i totally learnt alot! thank u! n then what, u had all those nice people betraying me to get into my circle of comfortness? wow! maybe i get ur point. u didnt want me to trust people that easily. THANK U SO DAMN MUCH. i certainly find it hard to trust anyone. especially naw. OWH OWH WAIT, u did send me another hurtful msg that only u noe what cud teach me. destroying my relationship with everysingle people that i love? by the cause of other FUCKING OUTSIDERS? for what again? owh owh..maybe its time to just say sorry to OLDER people becoz in the olden days, people wud do that eventho they were right. but we are talking bout STUPID IMMATURE OLDER PEOPLE. how fascinating! u want me to BOW to stupid people like that n have no dignity for myself!? What is it that u really want me to see n look at? that i was wrong ALL ALONG. U MADE me like this dont blame me coz i cant take things the way they are. i DID NOTHING WRONG. u have no right to punish me like this. u said u will be there for me. but u are here to gimme alllllllllll this mess that arent even mine. thank u soo much. Why send me a guy which i fell for n take him away from me? twice? why send me all these nice guys that i seem to like but not sure enuf if its a true love feeling? what pengajaran lagi la u nak i terima? In my entire life, ive done nothing wrong to people whom i love or loved. n u FUCKING NOE that. so why? why why why? crave it on a stone, on a beach or something coz seriously i dont get it. why is it that GUYS who cheat on their wives can still live happy n live with that lie all along?why is it that WOMEN who send their FUCKING EMBRYOS straight to hell can still find happiness in life. ARE U CRAZY OR SOMETHING? tell me la. i might not be the most religious person on earth, but i do have that faith in u. i still believe that ull hate me if i betray you. yes! i have been betraying u, becoz u left me here..alone..in all this mess that arent even mine! is that fair? is that fair? i am not like the others. u should have known. u do noe. ur just ignoring me. i love u. but do u? i hate all these people who keep on hurting me for things that ive done.those things that ive done..i dont deserve to be punished. salah silap i, bukan seperti i bunuh orang, its not like i buat benda yang teruk giller. but ape yang i dapat? i x dihargai. when i love something, ill take care of it. i will love it with all myheart..u noe that. i x patut dihukum sebagaimana i dihukum skarang. i mmg benci betul all those hurtful things. my heart ni..disalut je...x pernah sembuh pun.. i sentiasa maafkan orng.i maafkan semua yang bwat salah kat i. tapi jangan harap la i akan lupa. and jangan ingat, senang2 kau masuk hidup aku, kau boleh buat sesuka hati. owh no, u x kenal i lagi.. once i DAH BENCI kat u, dont even think of recuperating any kind of relationship we have. lovers ke, kawan ke. FUCK OFF. ingat aku ni bergantung sangat ke kat korang..?nampak je mcm aku bergantung kat korang, but the truth is tanpa korang pun hidup aku boleh berjalan seperti biasa la. mati nanti pun sorang2 la..ive been going tru life ALONE my whole entire life. huh....challenge la i lagi...i mmg suke. i mmg x kesah lagi la pasal anyone anymore. kau nak bwat ape, kau bwat. jangan ingat la kau boleh change aku sesuka hati. kau sape? hati i keras macam batu. i bukan la orang yang u nak cari gadoh. klau i nampak baik , sbnrnye kat dalam aku x peduli pun. okay? kalau dah bwat taik kat aku, mmg kau dapat balik la. hidup ni x senang. n jgn harap la tru me, u akan senang gak. mmg mimpi la.

Ikhlas from me. hope u like it.