LOVE, DESPERATION, AND DESTRUCTION

LOVE? wat about love? i almost forgot what it means already. ive already forgotten how it feels to be loved and how it feels to love someone. i hate love at the moment. all i had was bitter memories. well not all of them. just that love can be so powerful it cud either jump u to the next level or destroy u. love can make u feel real happy at times and make u sad..so sad that ull never be able to describe them in words. love teaches you the real meaning of life n wat i really got out of it is that life is nothing more but a  game. ur game starts at the time u were born. and it ends when ur dead. u pick ur path carefully as u grow up because there will always be consequences for everything u choose to do and choose not to do. u get high ranks if u choose the rite path and get bonuses too. u get credit. but on d other hand, u might fail and ur game is over. this game that human live in can never be restarted. u can only regret whatever that has happened. or cherish the blissful moments one can ever achieve. love makes u a better person or otherwise, a bad one. after failing a couple of relationships, i know now that u can never change a person. no matter how much u love the person, dont ever try to change them because u noe by heart, u dont wanna change urself either. and there's so much more to it, not just tolerance, its how u adapt urself to the way the other person thinks. i guess thats what u call chemistry between 2 people. u dont have to say soo much, because u know what ur partner would wanna do and say or respond to wataver there is in life. and i think u wud noe that u found the rite person if uve found this. i guess im not lucky enuf YET .

 i wouldnt say im DESPERATE to find true love. like i said before, i like it like this; being single. but sometimes i feel an emptiness inside of me. its not that bad. just maybe i long for that feeling of being loved. u noe, like someone cares for u, n there will always be that person who wishes u goodnight and calls u in the morning , checks up on u to see whether uve eaten and stuff like that. i MISS those moments. maybe coz ive been rather spoilt my entire life. not like being dependant on people..just im spoilt in a way that i like being cared by people. thats all. im not desperate, i just hope my time will come soon..haha.. but i do have a feeling ill be single for the next 4 years. becoz...hehe..adelah..mmm...to tell u the truth..there're already 2 guys in the waiting list to actually, seriously propose to me. they're all working dudes with big cash, perfect smile, n bright future. they even text my mum occasionally to say hi. it doesnt freak me out tho..coz i noe its ME who makes the decision. not them. they can pour all sorts of candy syrup into my mum's cup of tea but they cant win me over like that. i dont noe why i never give 2 shits bout pputting effort to atleast getting to know them better. i just dont wanna rush things. im soooo young..but i tgk everyone else has serious relationships n i feel really left behind. omg, thats the stupidest thing ive ever said. haha. but i truly feel that way.

Some how, after all life has taught me, i have begin to settle into the old fara.  rebellious, egoistic, keras kepala,  never give 2 shits bout other people's feelings. this one, i noe damn well why. coz life has forced me into this.ive been tru many bitter phases and i dont want myself to be hurt ever again. not anymore. so ive built my broken heart and its seriously stronger naw. ive locked it and god noes where i left the key. and naw........its a big huge problem for me..i cant find the freaking key to my heart..i lost it. maybe itll be closed forever. i cant seem to like any of the guys i date nowadays.n seriously..no matter how charming or nice they are. they do everything for me but it never triggers my emotion. coz i lost the key. great. naw ill be single for the rest of my life. haha. forget bout the 4 years. ill be on d front page of the duke and duchess magazine, so successful in life but no husband. how sad. ugh..how sad..but whats worse is that im giving all sorts of hope to all of the guys that im dating at the moment. i feel real bad for them. like i treat them nice n all, but they're expecting more of me. i think ive DESTROYED them at the point they say 'im totally in love with u'. i made it clear tho that we're all just friends n stuff but woopsie woop, they dont wanna listen to me. no holding back. sukati dieornag la..i have better stuff to do. im sooo mean at the moment. n i dont feel guilty at all. sigh~ this really is a problem. people might say that they noe me. maybe. maybe not. but one thing u shud noe bout FSZ is that she used to b the biggest heart-breaker ever. n  i have a premonition that she's coming back.for good.