LOVE, DESPERATION, AND DESTRUCTION

LOVE? wat about love? i almost forgot what it means already. ive already forgotten how it feels to be loved and how it feels to love someone. i hate love at the moment. all i had was bitter memories. well not all of them. just that love can be so powerful it cud either jump u to the next level or destroy u. love can make u feel real happy at times and make u sad..so sad that ull never be able to describe them in words. love teaches you the real meaning of life n wat i really got out of it is that life is nothing more but a  game. ur game starts at the time u were born. and it ends when ur dead. u pick ur path carefully as u grow up because there will always be consequences for everything u choose to do and choose not to do. u get high ranks if u choose the rite path and get bonuses too. u get credit. but on d other hand, u might fail and ur game is over. this game that human live in can never be restarted. u can only regret whatever that has happened. or cherish the blissful moments one can ever achieve. love makes u a better person or otherwise, a bad one. after failing a couple of relationships, i know now that u can never change a person. no matter how much u love the person, dont ever try to change them because u noe by heart, u dont wanna change urself either. and there's so much more to it, not just tolerance, its how u adapt urself to the way the other person thinks. i guess thats what u call chemistry between 2 people. u dont have to say soo much, because u know what ur partner would wanna do and say or respond to wataver there is in life. and i think u wud noe that u found the rite person if uve found this. i guess im not lucky enuf YET .

 i wouldnt say im DESPERATE to find true love. like i said before, i like it like this; being single. but sometimes i feel an emptiness inside of me. its not that bad. just maybe i long for that feeling of being loved. u noe, like someone cares for u, n there will always be that person who wishes u goodnight and calls u in the morning , checks up on u to see whether uve eaten and stuff like that. i MISS those moments. maybe coz ive been rather spoilt my entire life. not like being dependant on people..just im spoilt in a way that i like being cared by people. thats all. im not desperate, i just hope my time will come soon..haha.. but i do have a feeling ill be single for the next 4 years. becoz...hehe..adelah..mmm...to tell u the truth..there're already 2 guys in the waiting list to actually, seriously propose to me. they're all working dudes with big cash, perfect smile, n bright future. they even text my mum occasionally to say hi. it doesnt freak me out tho..coz i noe its ME who makes the decision. not them. they can pour all sorts of candy syrup into my mum's cup of tea but they cant win me over like that. i dont noe why i never give 2 shits bout pputting effort to atleast getting to know them better. i just dont wanna rush things. im soooo young..but i tgk everyone else has serious relationships n i feel really left behind. omg, thats the stupidest thing ive ever said. haha. but i truly feel that way.

Some how, after all life has taught me, i have begin to settle into the old fara.  rebellious, egoistic, keras kepala,  never give 2 shits bout other people's feelings. this one, i noe damn well why. coz life has forced me into this.ive been tru many bitter phases and i dont want myself to be hurt ever again. not anymore. so ive built my broken heart and its seriously stronger naw. ive locked it and god noes where i left the key. and naw........its a big huge problem for me..i cant find the freaking key to my heart..i lost it. maybe itll be closed forever. i cant seem to like any of the guys i date nowadays.n seriously..no matter how charming or nice they are. they do everything for me but it never triggers my emotion. coz i lost the key. great. naw ill be single for the rest of my life. haha. forget bout the 4 years. ill be on d front page of the duke and duchess magazine, so successful in life but no husband. how sad. ugh..how sad..but whats worse is that im giving all sorts of hope to all of the guys that im dating at the moment. i feel real bad for them. like i treat them nice n all, but they're expecting more of me. i think ive DESTROYED them at the point they say 'im totally in love with u'. i made it clear tho that we're all just friends n stuff but woopsie woop, they dont wanna listen to me. no holding back. sukati dieornag la..i have better stuff to do. im sooo mean at the moment. n i dont feel guilty at all. sigh~ this really is a problem. people might say that they noe me. maybe. maybe not. but one thing u shud noe bout FSZ is that she used to b the biggest heart-breaker ever. n  i have a premonition that she's coming back.for good.

Ary vs Ariey

Men can sometimes be so damn desperate. ur closest example. Ariey.Owh for those who are feeling a bit lost n confused, Ary is my ary. as in arikrishnan-my-husband ary, but ariey is the malay version of ary who also lives in bangi but wait. ary doesnt live in bangi. wtaver. anyway, ariey. 2 years back. or 3 years back. he used to have a crush on me. its kind of obvious that he still does. he asked me out infront of my mom. that was too brave i think.he cud ave went home registered as an OKU if u noe wat i mean. so last nite i was watching manutd against spurs in bangi with ary and ariey. haha, ok so before ary came, ariey was being so nice n annoying i wanted to smack his face. sitting close n letting me feel his breath on me. euw. so when ary came, i changed places with him so ary was sitting between me n ariey. haha score! i was like padan muka u homo freako faggy.then after that i kept on talking and talking with ary i forgot all about ariey who was sitting there like a dope, thankgod his friends were there so i didnt have to feel so bad about it.im so lazy to write today so im gonna skip to the event that made me wanna laugh so hard. i was gonna leave with ary after the game was over. and like obviously  ary was gonna walk me to my car. i mean like i was standing next to him n gesturing to leave already. and ariey, who just couldnt let go n cudnt stop being a bitch dengan semakknye berkata, 'xpela, ill walk u to ur car' and i pun..ok lah..watever. its so annoying. after giving ary a hug, we went seperate ways with mr doggy following me ,sniffing my back n still being all euw-ly romantic. ugh. he said super sweet stuff that nobody wud believe anyway. i just smiled n said ' so im expecting all sorts of kuih agar-agar from ur mom this monday' and so there goes. 10 types of agar2 for me this monday. double score! i feel glad knwing soo many people who like me. like hey, i get free stuff all the time! free starbuck stamps, free Sarawakian dessert specially shipped for me, free dinner, free lunch, free cigarrette. special-priced handbags,u name it. i even have a goddamn PA naw. not penasihat akademik but personal assistant! my life gets easier and easier every single day. even the manager at the xerox shop had to open his shop on a sunday, just coz I, princess of all princesses had to use the laser jet for her college assignments. ok, maybe thats too much. ut he did come all the way from his house and gave me special service. haha. dont think too far naw. anyway. i feel so lucky. thats all. lucky all the time.  owh god so sambung bout ariey. he didnt let me close my goddamn door. i was already putting my car key into the ignition but he was still babbbling like a 5-year-old like, take care. when u reach text me..bla bla bla bla bla bla bla..seriously..i wanted to laugh so hard already,siap guling2.... he had that desperate, i-dont-want-to-let-u-go-not-just-yet look on his face and he grabbed my shoulder as if we were in titanic the movie or something. like i had H1N1 n i was about to die. owh watever. i didnt text him anyway. he called me much later to wake me up for sahur. n he said he was jealous coz i didnt give him a hug like i did for ary..hahahaha..thats the funniest, owh wait. the dumbest thing ive eber heard. hello dude, me and ary, we're married. for 10 freakin years. and ur just a dog i adopted 2 days ago. u gotta work harder for ur credits man. i just dont see any rreason for him to be jealous. he's not even my bf. jheh-sius! Ariey is actually a really HOT guy. like seriously bitchyly handsome with his dimple and watsoever. but im just not attracted to him. he's like a goddamn sniffing dog and im allergic to dogs like him anyway. feel free to take his number girls. he's all urs.
i was supposed to tell u bout the confession i was gonna make. but not naw. i have so many work to do i dont even have time to sleep.maybe in the next post.


but to spice things up..just so u noe..a faraway land princess seems to be bored with her father's almighty kingdom. she wishes to fly away.. fly away from the perimeter that kept her safe for ages, since she was born. but dear princess..where are you going naw?

cookies, milk and a whole lot of memories

So, lets see.. rmember when i said i was gonna meet F on tuesday? that never happened. well it did, but i met him on monday night too. n i tell u, the cats and dogs werent tied up at all. im such a bad animal breeder. the whole time goin out with Z, F kept on calling me on my cell. n he actually merajok. can u believe that? and Z obviously wasnt stupid enuf to not noe. so i had a really really terrible time squeezing all the plans in that one day. so like it or not, i had to meet F that same night coz he was being such a pain in d ass. well, the pain eased off anyway =) we had the most romantic night, i mean he still say those little words that can make me smile the whole day. " why dyu still paint ur nails, i told u its not good for u" hehe. like seriously, i was waiting for him to say that. not that i had my nails done. just that my nails are so pwettty that F thot i had french mani done on it. =P he held my hand and studied my nails as if i was like one of those experimental subjects he works on everday. well i could be..haha. anyway..i kept my eye on him till he let go of my hand. it was so cute. when i was talking to him bout something, he wud just place strands of my hair behind my ear and pick up dust or watever shit stucked on my jeans. it was sooo cute. but u noe wat the cutest part was? he said he'd wait for me forever. haha. actually i think its stupid and freaky..i mean like com'on, ull be off studying for 2 years , and ill be off to aussie doing my MBA. 2 years can change us alot. but he said that he vowed the same thing 2 years ago (which is true), so what difference wud it make if he waited 2 years more?. i wanted to laugh but his eyes were so serious i just sat there quietly. he said he has plans for his future and stuff n i was included.hehe. it was so sweet i swear to god. he said he'd give n provide me anything i wanted. =P that is a totallY WRONG thing to say to a materialistic person like me. but he'll be making big bucks anyway. so who cares.

Yawn~ i just came back from bbuka puase with S, Z and F. it was funny, we actually bumped into each other at the restaurant, or rather like S came n yell n smack me on my shoulder saying "x gune, datang sini bukan nk ckp" when i was innocently playing n twirling my hair n i thot to myself, that voice sounds familiar. haha.tgk2 makcik S. haish.

anyway , i got lots n lots of assignments to do, so better start on it.
For the next post, ull hear a story..or better yet a CONFESSION that ill make on the topic of LOVE, DESPERATION n DESTRUCTION.

u noe u love me.

my first date with F after one year and a half.

tonite was awesome. i finally met F after soo long. ive been missing him alot and seeing him again makes me real happy. he has short hair n he looks cute. same smile. same laugh. he's a little fat naw. he said he cudnt even fit into the clothes i bought him before he left for egypt. nevermind, he still looks the same to me. we were talking the whole nite and we didnt feel awkward at all. as if we just met a week ago or something. he couldnt resist touching me thats for sure ;-) god im so happy he's back here. atleast i have someone (who shares GREAT chemistry ) to talk to and never feel awkward saying or doing anything. im suppose to meet him again tomorrow but then dah ade plan with Z pulak. so i promised to meet him on tuesday instead before he heads back to johor. i certainly dont feel any guilt juggling guys at one time. its not that i did anything wrong. but Z didnt seem to be pleased with the whole idea of what? me having a close friend named F? i mean, seriously? wat the hell is his problem. ugh..anyway..D was admitted to the hospital today for food poisoning. i feel so bad actually. for not knowing. so i decided to visit him tmrw before going out with Z.
F's smell is all over me. i can sleep like a baby tonite =) goodnite peeps. lets hope the cats n dogs are well leashed tomorrow.

Hey hey hey, look who has boobies naw.

So i finally decided to create a new blog on blogger.com. i used to have an account here. n i do still have it. but i havent posted anything since 2006, cause i was busy blogging on friendster after that. most of my hot juicy stories are alll written on friendster. n so i stopped blogging on friendster cause i discontinued my account. n since i have fans who LOVE reading my blogs, i decided to come back and write again (gosh i feel like a writer naw) hehe. believe it or not, i was actually traumatized by this whole blogging-activity cause something came up a few years back which left me hurt n almost destroyed. but, naw im all grown up, i believe i can handle critics more maturely naw. n i wont ever give 2 shits bout anything ANYONE has to say to me nemore. one of my juniors, which is a GUY, said he lovesss reading my blog n used to read it every single day. he said that he understood more bout life n that my stories are just so pure n interesting n all fascinating in one go. im proud to share my stories n thinkings and blogging is just the perfect way for me to express what i feel bout almost anything. before i start, here's the url to my old blog. but i must warn u. it was my blog when i was young n naive. so excuse all my grammatical errors n childish love dramas. childish, but in a cute way i wud put it.
http://stoictransparency.blogspot.com

So lets see. one of the questions people keep on asking me is that whether im with someone or not at d moment. okay, first off, im single. every single rumor u guys heard bout me with the subang jaya guy is a lie, with the Secret recipe marketing manager is a lie, with the guy on my facebook is a lie n GOD FORBIDS with my ex is totally a lie! i am not in a relationship with ary krishnan. he is and will always be my bestfriend. forever n ever. just that my friends used to think we were in a relationship ( i dont noe why) n we were so tired of denying it. so thats why i decided to just iyekan to everyone. okay are we clear with that? and at the moment, im just hanging around with zaim and a couple of other guys. im seriously tired with relationships. its detrimental! but i wont lie bout famy tho. to those yg sibuk2 tanye famy that day, ok, he's a medical student. currently studying in egypt. once vowed that he wud wait for me (owh how cute) he shares the same birthday with me n is totally like me. haha. cept that he's not as bitchy i wud say. i love him. he cares for me unlike anybody else. i loved him even before. even when i was in a realtionship with mr.fadzli mohamed. it was distance that drew me away actually. but whatever. he's here naw. n still the same as he were 2 years back. i wudnt say ill be hooking up with him. not in the mean time. i need to be single for a while. i actually like it like this. haha.
so we have come to the end of the first chapter of 2009. u will see more of me tomorrow. ciao!